A tale of two Garths. Chapter 42. “Please deposit 35 cents.”

“Hey babe. How are you? I miss you so much.” Who is this? At this point Garth had been filming out of town for so long the only way I recognized him was from the familiar jingle of my car keys in his pocket.

“Hey, how are you? I miss you too.” I told him. And it was true. I did miss him. I had spent almost two weeks by myself at this point and was actually starting to question if I even had a boyfriend or not.

“Hi Garth,” I heard a sweet giggling voice in the background.

“Hi Sally, I’ll be right there,” he replied to Miss Giggles A Lot. What the fuck? I could already feel my blood boiling.

“Who’s Sally?” I asked in my nicest I’m just asking because I care, not because I think you may be up to something voice.

“Oh, she’s just one of the production assistants I work with,” he said very nonchalantly.

“Please deposit 35 cents,” I heard the automated operator’s voice come over the phone.

“Hold on babe, I need to deposit more money,” he said to me as I could hear him fishing around for more change.

“Garth, you’re missing the party man,” I heard Garth’s friend Paul say loud and clear to him in passing.

“Please deposit 35 cents.”

At this point the Stacy’s going to kill someone light had changed from yellow to a deep orange. But it was wasted because there was no one there to see it.

*Clink* I heard the money being dropped into the pay phone.

“Thank you,” said the operated voice. Was she invited to the party too?

“Why didn’t you just call me from your room?” I asked.

“Because the party’s in my room,” he told me.

**WARNING! Stacy homicidal threat level reaching RED**

Now, I know how it sounds. Maybe I didn’t have any reason to be pissed off at Garth. I realize that I had just been to some Hollywood parties of my own, where the men were so beautiful that just looking at them made most women’s panties literally jump off of their bodies. However, they were never IN MY ROOM!

“So Sally and a bunch of other people are currently in your room partying, while you’re out in the hall on a payphone talking to me?”


“Please deposit 35 cents.”

“Wow. 35 cents doesn’t get you very far does it?” I said clearly irritated.

“Well, I’m out of money babe,” he said into the receiver.

“Please deposit 35 cents.”

“I hate you,” I whispered back, partly to Garth and partly to that damned robotic voice that was taking him away from me.

“I can’t hear you over the operator,” he said.

“Please deposit 35 cents.”

“I love you babe,” was all I heard before the connection was lost for lack of 35 cents.

As I hung up the phone so many scenarios played out in my head. I could visualize Paul and Garth doing lines of blow off Sally’s taut ass. Stop it Stacy, you’re just upsetting yourself. It’s just a work party. No big deal. It’s just a work party. But why didn’t he want to talk to me in front of his friends? After letting my mind race around like a mouse on a spinning wheel, I finally fell into a slumber. I woke up the next morning to the ringing phone.

“Hello,” I said into the receiver expecting it to be the payphone operator informing me that Garth still owed her 35 cents. And if I didn’t repay his debt, she and her robot buddies would come over to re-program my microwave.

“Hey Stacy, it’s Sheryl.”

“Hi Sheryl!” it was my theatrical manager. I wasn’t expecting to hear from her.

“I have an audition for you.”

“Really?” I was so excited. “What’s it for?”

“It’s for the TV show ‘Men Behaving Badly.’ Have you heard of it?”

“Isn’t that the show with Rob Schneider?”

“It is. They are auditioning a basketball player type as a sort of love interest for his character, and with your height I thought you would be perfect!”

“I’m totally in!” I told her. Little did she know, I actually had played basketball in 9th grade and was possibly the worst player on the team. I did, however, win Most Inspirational and I think that should count for something. Don’t you?

Later that afternoon I went over to my manager’s office and picked up the script for the next day’s auditions. I was elated! This was a pretty big show at the time, and if I could land this gig I would make not only a nice chunk of change, but would have the opportunity to get myself seen.

The next day I was up bright and early for my audition at CBS. Once I walked up to the building I could tell instantly I was in the right place, but maybe in the wrong clothes. Every girl there was wearing a basketball uniform but me. To be honest they all kind of looked a little ridiculous. There was one girl practicing shooting with her invisible basketball. Another one was dribbling her invisible basketball down an invisible court. I could tell just by looking at her she was invisible traveling and I was tempted to blow my invisible whistle to call her on it. But basketball uniform or no basketball uniform this audition was going to be mine. I stood outside with all my competition and went over my lines again and again in my head trying to remember to just act natural. This is not theater, this is TV Stacy. So remember: pull the acting way in.

Even though there were a ton of girls to go through, it didn’t feel like I waited very long at all before my name was called. I entered the casting director’s office and she read the lines with me. We went back and forth playing off one another. We had a good chemistry, even though if I got the part I would be acting across from a man instead of her.

“That’s great Stacy,” she said. “Can you come back at 3:00 to meet with producers?”

What did she just say? Did she just say I made it to the producers? I almost freaked out right there in her office. Hold it together. Hold it together. Hold it together.

“That would be great. 3:00 is great for me. Thank you so much,” I said while I flashed her my pearly whites.

I ran out of the office and down the stairs so fast I almost fouled two or three other actresses. If I kept this up I was going to be benched for the rest of the game. I jumped in my car and drove straight home. I couldn’t wait to call Sheryl and tell her I had made it to producers.

“I’m so happy for you!” she said to me. “You were right, I think comedy may be your thing.”

“So what does this mean exactly?” I asked her.

“Well, it means you are up against one, possibly two other girls for the role.”

“Oh my God. Are you serious? I’m that close?”

“Yes my dear, you are. Now try and relax until you have to go back. Don’t let yourself get all worked up okay?”



“Yea, yea I hear ya,” I told her as my mind raced a thousand miles an hour. 3:00 seemed so far away. To try and keep my mind off of it, I cleaned my house, did the dishes, diversified my stock holdings, cured cancer, and recreated Salvador Dali’s “Woman at the Window at Figueras’ 1926 painting using only nail polish and glitter glue. So you can imagine how happy I was when 3:00 finally arrived.

This time when I went back to CBS I didn’t see a gaggle of tall women in basketball uniforms, but I did see the same casting director and a couple of producers from the Carsey Warner Company. This is it! I walked into the room and everyone was just so nice. It was a very inviting atmosphere. Not that auditions are cold or anything, but when you have to sift through 100 or more girls each time I assume it can get kind of tedious. This time was totally different. It was way more laid back. The casting director had done her job, now all they had to do was pick.

Once again I read with the casting director and once again our chemistry was on point. BUT, of course there is a but.

“Can you just be a little more clumsy?” One of the producers asked me. “You know, more goofy.” Goofy. Sure I can do goofy. So the casting director and I redid the scene and I played it “Goofy.”

“Thank you so much. You’ll be hearing from us,” the casting director told me. I felt pretty confident I had nailed the part. I felt positive, and not in an arrogant kind of way. I just felt like there was a good vibe to the room and I had the producers laughing and how can you go wrong with laughing? It’s a sitcom right?

I went back home and waited by the phone. And waited a little longer. But before I could solve the square root of 598974131679436145749415748. My phone rang.

“Hey Stacy, it’s Sheryl,” she didn’t sound happy or unhappy.

“Hi Sheryl” I said back to her.

“You didn’t get the part,” My heart sank. “BUT, they really did like you. They said you were too pretty for the role.”

“Too pretty?”

“Yes. They went with someone who is slightly less attractive and naturally more clumsy.” Too pretty? “Look, they already told me they want to call you back in the future. But you just didn’t fit the role as well as the other girl did. Don’t get discouraged. You making it to producers on your first audition for them is a big deal. You need to congratulate yourself.” She was right. I had already gone to a ton of auditions at this point and had never yet made it to producers. I did need to congratulate myself. I had a small taste of success. And I’m not going to lie, it tasted awfully sweet.

To be continued…..

Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: mrsdiagnosed@yahoo.com


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