What would happen if I engaged in online dating?


A friend of mine has been doing some online dating and he posted this on Facebook this morning. Now I know I probably shouldn’t be posting this on my site but it was just too good to pass up. After his post I decided to write to write him back. I hope you enjoy. Oh and Spee, (not his real name) I hope you can forgive me.

Spee – Hello Fishies! HOW BOUT A LITTLE FUN FIRST OFF!

~17 REASONS I WILL TURN YOU OVER AND SPANK YOU AND SEND YOU ON YOUR WAY!!!!!!
1)IF YOU OR YOUR EX JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON…COME ON…APPARENTLY THIS HAS TO BE SAID….
2)IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO O…F YOUR EX OL’MANS NAME ON OR ABOVE YOUR STUFF…..
3)IF YOU HAVE BAD TEETH (But if you have full dentures that’s cool though..;) J/K
4)IF YOUR CLEARLY LYING ABOUT YOUR BODY TYPE. Ladies you know that the average person is not fat, chubby or a biggin so stop saying you are average. It’s not shameful to say your a few extra pounds. But don’t put “Athletic” when your clearly a big girl trying to lore us in with your trick photography from the neck up shots…..Please be honest and maybe you will find someone who won’t automatically play you because your a liar to start off with! WE HAVE TO MEET SOONER OR LATER…HOW EMBARASING! Be honest!!!!!
5)IF YOU HAVE 3 BABIES DADDIES
6)IF YOU LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS. COME ON WHATS NEXT, CURFEW?! OR SHHHH MY PARENTS WILL HEAR US!!! WELL CRAWLING OUT THE WINDOW WOULD BE KINDA COOL THOUGH LIKE WHEN I WAS A KID!!!
7)IF YOUR CLEARLY PUZZLE FACTORY CUCKOO ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. OR JUST HAVE A NERVOUS TWITCH. YIKES!! REEEE-TREAT!!!
8)IF YOU ARE IN AA, OR IN A HALFWAY HOUSE (SOBER LIVING HOUSE FOR WOMEN) OMFG!!! THAT IS NOT BAGGAGE, YOU ARE DRIVING “THE U-HAUL OF DOOM.”
9)If your animals sleep on or in your bed…. Gross! Please… that’s just poor hygiene!
10)If you date black men…… I am not a fan….
11)If you are one of those women that have a lot of male friends, for god sakes, your trying to impress a new man in your life! We don’t want to be around all your male friends nor do we want to here about them… OR HOW PASTER “BOB” IS THE MOST SPECIAL THING IN YOUR LIFE…..(That gives me the willys!)AND REALLY, THE LAST THING WE WANT IS TO VISUALIZE IS HOW MANY MEN STURRED THE CULDREN!!! Show some self respect and don’t be such a puppeteer!!!!!!!! We’re not trying to date your friends that have no lives living in your friend zone!
12)IF YOU HAVE A SEX SWING MOUNTED IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER…. WAITE, THAT CHICK WAS COOL!!!!
13)IF YOUR A JEW THAT DOESN’T BELIEVE IN CHRISTMAS…… I’M SORRY BUT THAT’S JUST PATHETIC! I’M NOT TELLING MY SON THAT JESUS IS OUT AND WERE DECORATING A BUSH INSTAID. WE ARE AMERICANS AND WE BELIEVE IN JESUS!!!!
14)IF YOU ARE THE WAAAMBULANCE DRIVER, THE COMPLAINER, MAN HATER, GOIN ON ABOUT THE PLAYERS & PEOPLE W/ BAGGAGE….KNOCK IT OFF! IT’S USUALY THOSE WOMEN THAT ARE THE PLAYERS, PRAYING ON NICE GUYS!!!
15)LAST BUT NOT LEAST!! YOU WOMEN SAYING YOUR “39” WHEN YOUR REALLY 50…. I’M ON TO YOU!!!! LOL TAKE YOUR WALKER AND QUIKLY MOVE AWAY FROM THE SHORE …. I SWIM VERY FAST!!!!
16)I PREFER TO DATE A WOMAN IN BROWARD COUNTY. DISTANCES PROOVE TO BE THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO DEAL WITH AT THE END OF THE DAY RIGHT?!
17)Okay now stop asking me to send pics of my shilailee!!! LMFAO!!! You girls are killin me!!! You don’t want to get jipped I totally understand………lol I’m far from shy but Come on….don’t you care about whats in my heart?! Okay bad question…Hahaha!! Alright dammit….if you must….lol
(Those were all things I’ve encountered on dates here so far)
I would like to also say that I by no means am trying to be rude, I’m only being silly about some haaaaaynessss dates with some ridiculous people. However, I have most certainly dealt with allot of lying, sloppy looking women, and gnarly BS’ing while dating in this pond! I am not pretentious and I make no claims to a position of merit, and therefore I don’t demand that you agree with me. I JUST WANT TO LIVE!!!)LOL 

Quick and to the point…..Ultimately, I am looking for someone who compliments me well. Someone that not only brings out the best in me, but makes me want to be a better person. Someone that I can explore with all the wonderful things life has to offer. Inner beauty is very important to me. However, my woman likes to look nice for herself as well as me, the smokey eye shadow, lipstick and nails done….numm numms! I think its attractive when a woman dolls herself up for her man. Lazy hippy scraggles keepa paddlin!!!
My girl is THIN AND ATHLETIC I REPEAT!!! THIN AND ATHLETIC. She’s fun n happy, sometimes silly. She has a soft touch, and a beautiful smile. It’s soothing when a woman knows how to be sexy ……I go cuckoo for that… I want someone special to spend time with laughing, kissing, robbing a bank… you getting a tattoo’s of my name on your butt, high speed chases, sky diving naked. You know, fun stuff!
((((((((AAAAND A PARTRIIIIIIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEEEEEE!)))))))
I’m driven and adventurous, little bit of a smart @ss…. I love to test life’s limits and I love a good challenge! I work out daily and eat healthy things. I’m 180lbs 5’11 and in great shape… and I have a great business…..
My 4 year old son is rock star! He needs no introduction….He’s quite the little Casanova all on his own!lol
Needless to say I’m looking for something with magnetism that’s exciting….
I’m not shy and am not afraid to express myself or listen to reason…
If you would kiss in the rain while grabbin my butt, do donuts in my truck in the dirt, jump off the rope swing in the river, watch scary movies at the Drive In on sunrise with me holding you tight, and like to BBQ…I’ll make you smile and laugh till were stupid! I’m quite the BBQ MASTOOOR too!lol And an even better bartender…. back in the day I used to flip bottles, light’m on fire and blow flames and make you a drink that’ll make ya feel sexxxy!!!! Crazy bartenders rock!!!(I have a stocked bar at my house!) I love to go out to eat to a classy restaurant also …. We’re the couple in the back corner booth they’re taking pics of at Mango’s drinking wine and playfully kissing… just in case we were famous!!!!
Don’t be shy…. I’m a really good kisser! 😉 Leave me a message… If your not chicken!!!

Mrs D. – Dear Spee, I have read your list and while I’m VERY impressed and would love to meet you, I am sorry to say I am not eligible as I do not meet a good portion of your requirements. Unless of course your willing to bend a little on number 3 & number 12. You see I have realized that I no longer need teeth, as trips to the dentist tend to take money away from my Meth fund.
Oops, I also just noticed number 5. While I don’t have 3 babies daddy’s. I am a 3 daddy’s baby. You see my mother was a lazy hippy who lived in a commune. Needless to say she had a LOT of sex and eventually got pregnant with me. Not knowing who the father of her child was, she just decided to marry all three male members of the commune and now all five of us live together just outside of BROWARD COUNTY.
I am however very athletic which may be somewhat of a turn on to you. I am thin which I know you like. I’m 5’10 and teetering between 98 and 101 lbs depending on if I was able to scrape up enough change together to get me a pack of smokes and some pixi sticks. I’m pretty muscular though. Probably because I have to drag my dog who has no legs from my bed outside to use the bathroom and back inside a couple times a day. I don’t like doing this, but considering my black boyfriend just got out of jail and has real anger issues, I think it’s in my best interest.  I don’t want him to go back to jail for killing one of many male friends. AGAIN.
Well I have to go now. My timer just went off and my mother told me if I don’t take my bi-polar meds on time again she’s not going to decorate my bush. And we all know, no one likes an ugly bush. Best of luck to you. I hope you find the woman of your dreams. And if not, just send me a picture of your junk and we’ll see if we can work something out.
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