What would happen if Serial Killers made friends on Facebook?
Welcome to another installment of Serial Killer’s on Facebook. For those of you just joining us, what we have here is a social experiment. We wanted to see what would happen if we took the identities of serial killers and put them on a social network such as Facebook. Most of us have had our serial killers chosen for us by the “What Serial Killer Are You?” application on the Facebook site it’s self. But for those of us who couldn’t get into the application, or took the quiz and scored one of the other serial killers already in the group, they got to pick who they wanted to be. Lucky bastards! So let’s start with a roll call.
Stacy – John Wayne Gasy. AKA Pogo The Clown.
Emily – Ted Bundy
Michelle – Ed Gein AKA Buffalo Bill
Chrisitna – Gary Ridgeway AKA The Green River Killer
Jeremy – Jeffrey Dahmer. (The role of Dahmer was going to be played by the ever popular Poptart. But Jeremy here actually scored Dahmer on the quiz so Poptart will have to pick again. Sorry Tart.)
But this is just the beginning. We have had more join our little circle of friends. But I will introduce them as time goes on. Let’s not jump the body..I mean gun here. Here is your latest edition.
Ted Bundy – For the love of all that is evil…what the HELL is wrong with people these days? Get this $hit. So, I really need a fix and I get all ready; put on a fake cast that I spent ALL day making and headed down to the local COSTCO in my VW bug. I park in the back by one of the cart returns waiting for just the right lady to come by. I don’t have to wait long and there she is…30 something, dressed conservatively in a track suit and sneakers, fresh faced, with her hair pulled back in a pony-tail. Why, it would practically break her sweet heart not to help a fellow human in need!! I start my oh-so-pathetic attempt at get my pallet of kitten chow (shows that I’m sweet and caring) into the backseat of the bug. She barely gives me a sideways glance!! Fine. I call out to her, “Ma’am? I’m so sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could help me…”
She wheeled around on her heel and started in on me, “It’s people like YOU that are causing the problem today!” I think she shocked me because I remember actually taking a step back. She kept going, “Always wanting a bailout. Always wanting assistance. Take some responsibility for your own life and stop asking the rest of us to help you out for &uck’s sake!!”
Now I’m just mad and indignant and I snap at her, “Listen here, you crazy *itch!! Can’t you see I’m in a &ucking cast!! I can’t get this in my car on my own!!”
She planted her hands on her hips and kept on, “If you KNOW you are handicapped in some way, if you KNOW you need to feed your cat, then why don’t you go to the ^ucking grocery store and get a bag you can carry in one arm? Huh? You don’t HAVE to provide for yourself in such a way that makes it impossible for you to follow through with that care. You set yourself up for failure. YOU are the one who made the decision to get what you needed in a way that made absolutely sure that you would not able to receive it. It’s not my fault you made that choice. It is also not my responsibility to help you out now that you realize you bit off more than you could chew. Take responsibility for your own actions and stop asking the rest of us to share the burden of your dumb-ass choices!!!” And at that she turned and walked away.
THE NERVE!!! Can you BELIEVE that crap?!? So here I am, standing in the COSTCO parking lot with a metric ton of kitten chow, my mouth open and feeling the flush of embarrassment heating me from head to toe. You guys all know what it feels like for a narcissist to get stung. You guys KNOW what that type of ego injury does to us!!! I practically could feel Little Bundy ascend into my body. I don’t know if I can ever get wood again! And who did she think she was, anyway!! It’s not like being a serial killer was MY choice!! It’s not my fault!! My mother was raped by her own father and I lived in an orphanage for the first two years of my life…I thought my grandmother was my mother and my actual mother was my sister until I was in college!! I wasn’t born understanding how people worked. Why do you think I took psychology classes in college? I wanted to understand! None of this is my fault!! I was born without empathy and the rest of the world made me into someone who loves to torture, rape, and kill women. Can’t they see that!?! And now they don’t want to take responsibility for what THEY made? They can’t DO that!! They made the beast…they need to feed it. Is it a coincidence that the United States has more serial killers than any other country in the world? I think not.
Guys, we need to rally. We need to unionize, get insurance with dental (especially for our chompers). We need to be able to collect SSI at the very least if they aren’t going to let us work. I mean, they are tying our hands here. WE are the ones who are supposed to be tying THEIR hands!!
I’m so upset I don’t even feel like killing right now. What has the world come to?
John Wayne Gacy – First off Ted, kudos on the homemade cast. Now THAT my friend is just genius. Pure genius! Now let’s discuss that little bitch you ran into earlier. I have a feeling she’s been watching far too much Fox News for her own good. I watched that… show for like a month and I’ve never been so angry in my entire life. Who is that Glenn Beck guy anyway? All I know is he’s been encouraging me to buy freeze dried food for some sort of doomsday senario. But I’m rambling. ANYHOW, I’m with you on the whole union and insurance thing. I had clown insurance once and it was a fucking joke! It didn’t cover any of the big stuff like decapitation, live burial, or vision. I’m all for it. I don’t know if you remember this Ted, but when I spent 10 years at Anamosa State Penitentiary and oversaw the installation of a miniature golf course in the prison’s recreation yard. I’m good at putting together things and getting things done. I would be more than happy to look into this for us.
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