A Tale of Two Garth’s. Chapter Twenty One. – The Cotton Captor.
We woke up on our last day in Colorado and crawled out of our tents one by one. Most of the campers had gone home the day before but for those of us who remained it was a sad day really. What was once a camp full of laughter and merriment was now a camp full of empty chairs and left over Port-O-Pottys.
Once again I was greeted with a giant plate of eggs for breakfast and before long we were all saying our goodbyes to our wonderful hosts. We piled our asses and luggage into the truck and got on the road so KC could catch his flight from Albuquerque back to Cali. KC’s adventure was over. He was going home. But Garth, Dewitt and I were going to continue on to Enid, Oklahoma. Garth’s birthplace. As we drove through New Mexico I sat in Dewitt’s truck looking at the sea of clouds above me. I couldn’t help but be in awe of the beauty of New Mexico. I sat back and let my mind wander a bit. I envisioned myself sitting on a porch in the middle of one of the lush green valleys we passed along the way, and wondered what it would be like to live in such a sublime place.
But never in my entire life had I ever wondered what it would be like to live in Enid, Oklahoma. Ooook-lahoma, where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain. And the wavin’ wheat can sure smell sweet, and this part of the trip is so LAME! I so envied KC at this point. KC, if you can hear me. You must take me with you. But apparently KC and I didn’t share telepathic powers because he got out of the truck and didn’t give me a second thought.
“Dewitt, it has been a pleasure sir. I hope I’m invited back,” KC said nonchalntly like he didn’t even notice I had written HELP ME in blood across the back window of the cab.
“Have a safe flight,” Dewitt said back to him. Damn you KC! And I thought we were friends! From here on out I’m not going to tell you when your balls smell like sweaty skunk weed. I hope you get caught next time and end up pole dancing in cell block 6 you rat bastard! But he just waved and walked away.
It was so late by the time we pulled into Oklahoma I wasn’t even sure what day it was anymore. The three of us got out of the truck and stumbled up to Garth’s grandmother’s house and knocked on the door. Of course it was so late, or so early, depending on how you were looking at it, that no one answered the door right away. So we had to knock even louder. The next thing that happened burned an image into my brain that still keeps me awake at night, 16 years later. The front door flung open and there stood a man in the tiniest underwear I have ever seen on a man. My eyes! My eyes! I did everything I could to shield my eyes from the protruding penis that was clearly trying to claw its way out of its cotton captor. Please make it go away! But he just won’t move or cover up. He just stood at the front door in all his tiny panty glory and introduced himself to me.
“Hi, you must be Stacy. I’m uncle Lee,” he told me as he put his hand out for me to shake. I took his right hand in mine praying that he had washed it.
“I didn’t think y’all were coming till morning,” he continued still standing in the doorway blocking our path and eyes from a well-deserved break. Luckily Lee’s much larger brother Dewitt took the lead and paved a way for us into the house just in time for Garth’s other uncle to make his appearance on the underwear runway. Oh good, now there’s two of them.
“Stacy, that’s my other brother Jerry,” Dewitt said while pointing at his much thinner, much longer haired brother.
“Nice to meet you,” was all I could manage in my embarrassed state. Even with my big mouth the vision of these two pretty much rendered me speechless.
Garth and I used the bathroom and headed back out to the shelled covered bed of Dewitt’s truck for some much needed sleep. I was so tired I could have pretty much slept anywhere at this point.
“I thought your uncle Lee was in jail, “ I said while climbing up into the truck.
“So did I. I guess he got out.” Hummm. Maybe that explains the underwear.
I think I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow. About three hours later I sat up dripping in sweat. I crawled my way out of the camper and outside to the patio and just sat on the cement.
“Are you okay?” Garth asked me laughing.
“What’s going on? Why is it so hot?” I asked him trying to breath some sort of air that didn’t make me feel like I was inside a dryer on the cotton setting.
“Welcome to Oklahoma in the summer,” he told me. I already knew that I could mark ‘Live in Oklahoma’ off my bucket list.
Garth and I literally drug ourselves into the air-conditioned house. I had never been so in love with the wonderful person who invented the air conditioner. If he was there at that moment in time I would have open mouth kissed him and modeled Uncle Lee’s underwear for him.
“Oh it feels so good in here,” I said as we made our way into the living room. As we walked in I was ecstatic to see that everyone was fully dressed. Especially Garth’s grandmother. That would have just been awkward being as it was sour first introductions and all.
“You must be Garth’s girlfriend Stacy,” this wonderfully sweet woman said to me as she took me in her arms and hugged me like I was one of her own. My mind was just blown. This adorable, kind, sweet woman had given birth to four trouble-making boys and I don’t know how many grandsons. What this woman was seriously lacking was some girls around and I was just the woman to fill that emptiness.
“My, my, my are you a skinny thing. Let me fix you something to eat,” she told me as she ran off to the kitchen to cook her little heart out.
“Mom she’s a vegetarian,” Dewitt called behind her.
“A what?” she asked popping her head out of the kitchen to hear him better.
“A VEGETARIAN,” he yelled.
“A Veterinarian. So you like animals?” she asked me.
“No mom! A vegetarian, that means she doesn’t eat meat,” Dewitt went on.
“Now why would somebody want to go and do that?” she asked me all the while shaking her head back and forth as if she shook her head enough it would get me to change my mind.
“Because Mrs. Icanttellyouherlastname, I like animals,” was all I could come up with.
“Well that’s fine dear. If that’s what makes you happy,” she told me as she gave me a smile.
“You’re grandma is pretty awesome,” I told Garth. Just then he leaned over and scooped me up into his large arms and hugged me like I was his whole world.
When grandma was done with breakfast she called us all into the kitchen and that’s when I noticed that one more person who was very short had joined the group.
“Hi, who are you?” I asked the small person sitting to my right.
“I’m Carl. I’m Jerry’s son,” the shy boy told me. He was a small man. You could tell by the look in his eyes that he was much wiser than his 10 years. That’s when Grandma set down a plate of something smothered in gravy. I looked at my plate and didn’t know what to make if it. Do these people know what fruit is? I had to wonder to myself.
“I hope you like biscuits and gravy,” she said with a smile that told me she was so proud of the meal she had just given me.
“Grandma, I LOVE biscuits and gravy!” I told her.
“Good. Because we need to fatten you up,” she said as she touched my cheek and piled another spoonful of the thick white sauce over the already invisible biscuits. We are all going to die from heat attacks. I just know it.
To be continued…