A Tale Of Two Garths. Chapter Eleven. Coochie Shots and Spanish Lessons.


“When you see the Audi drive by you I want you to lick your lips and then cross and uncross your legs like Sharon Stone.”
Normally, these words would have resulted in me forcing the speaker to perform oral sex on a fire hydrant. But he had a camera in his hands, and he was a director. Welcome to the typical audition for the young starving actress in Los Angeles. Why don’t you fuck yourself, I thought, but
“Sure,” I replied.
“Okay. ACTION!” he said as he pointed at me and then looked into the camera. Then he read off the lines of the script.
“Roses,” he read. And I did what I was supposed to do and looked bored. “A box of chocolates.” My response once again was one of utter boredom.
“And now you see the Audi drive by.” So I did kind of what he wanted. I licked my lips and began breathing heavily with my chest rising and falling. I even gave him the open mouth heavy breathing where my tongue peeks just out of my mouth saying, “Come and take me.”
“Okay, now I need you to cross and uncross your legs,” he directed. And I just kept giving him my soft porn breathy act.
“Now would be a good time to do the leg thing,” he said to me again. At this point I reached up and started tugging on the open collar of my dress.
“Okay, that’s good, very sexy. But let’s go ahead and…”
“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to do that,” I told him.
“But it’s in the script,” he said.
“Actually, it’s not. When I walked in here I looked at the storyboard you have in the lobby. And it clearly shows that this commercial is shot from the waist up. So I don’t know why I was asked to wear a short skirt and cross and uncross my legs.”
“You’re the first person to have a problem with this,” he informed me with a mouth full of attitude.
“Well it’s not my problem if those girls out there aren’t smart enough to read the story board,” I countered with the same attitude.
“Thank you….uh, Stacy,” he said while looking at my headshot. “We’re done now.”

I wanted to storm out of there, but my skirt really was ridiculously short, so I had to awkwardly lean over to pick up my bag. Seriously. This skirt was so damned short that one false move would let the crew see not just London, not just France, but also see that I hadn’t yet to discover the wonderful world of waxing. Once I gathered my purse and the rest of my dignity, I walked out with head held high.
“Look at the story board,” was all I said as I walked through the lobby full of women in short skirts and out the door.

I was so pissed. I had gone out on this audition myself. My agent didn’t get me this one and I should have known better. Hollywood is full of sleaze balls and just because you walk in a door that says Audi car commercial, it doesn’t mean it’s an Audi car commercial. For all I knew the guys that put that audition on were probably going home later that evening, inviting a bunch of friends over, and watching as countless young Hollywood wanna-be’s cross and uncross their legs. All I knew was it felt wrong and all I had to go on was my instinct. So I followed it. Just so you know it’s been 16 years since that audition and I have yet to see this so called commercial.

“How’d it go?” Claire asked as I entered the door in my daytime hooker wear.
“Not good,” I said as I made a beeline for my bedroom and a pair of cut offs. I came back out to the living room a couple of minutes later, plopped my ass down on the couch and proceeded to tell Claire about my audition. I knew Claire could relate. She had been a child model and was absolutely stunning.
“Stacy, hang in there. You are going to meet a LOT of scumbags in this business. Problem is, you don’t know who’s good and who’s bad right now. You have a really good agent. Just try and stick with the stuff they send you on.” Claire was right. I needed someone to watch my back.

This hadn’t been the first creepy audition I had been on. I had been on another one a years earlier for a movie. I was asked to wear a bathing suit. I was supposed to be playing an Olympic hopeful who was having an affair with her swim coach. When I walked into the room they didn’t ask me to read one line. They just asked me to stand there and pretend I was looking in mirror. They held the audition on a stage so you couldn’t see them because they had the stage light in your eyes. As I pretended to look in the mirror the man behind the darkness told me to pretend my lover had come up behind me and I was getting really turned on as he was rubbing his imaginary hands all over me. I was only 17 years old. As I left the audition I wanted to cry but I couldn’t because my dad was waiting for me outside. I didn’t want to tell him what the men inside had asked me to do because I knew my dad, and I knew he would kill them.
“Well, how did it go?” my dad asked as we walked out to the car.
“Good, “ I told him making sure not to let anything slip.
“Do you think you got the part?”
“No, I don’t think I’m what they’re looking for.” But I remembered that day and how those men made me feel, and I promised myself I would never let that happen again. So when the Audi commercial came up I had the same feeling in my gut as I did that day in that dark theater. But this time I was 7 years older and 7 years wiser and not in the mood to put up with men in the darkness.

After Claire and I talked, I took my aggression out in our gym upstairs for a couple of hours until I had expelled the demons of the past. After I felt as though I had worked off all my anger I showered and got ready for my night shift at Stanley’s. I always liked the night shifts. They were usually pretty short and you could make some good money if you had a good station and on this night I had a really good station.

I got to work and greeted my usual regulars by accepting a handful of candy and using the “Quiet before the Storm” to talk movies with Rodney. It didn’t take long for my station to start filling up and before I knew it I was running my ass off. Considering how my day had gone I was actually in a really good mood. Smoking a bowl before work will usually do that for you. As I served all my tables with a smile I noticed table 14 getting sat. I liked the couple that was being sat. They were an older couple. Probably in their 70’s and you could tell they had been together for a very long time and were very much in love.
“Hi you two. How are you?” I asked. I was genuinely happy to see them. “What can I get for you today?”
“We’re good,” the wife answered. Small talk, small talk, small talk. Blah, blah, blah.
“I would like a turkey burger with a few sliced tomatoes instead of French fries,” the husband said to me. So that’s what I wrote down. Turkey Burger w/few tomatoes. Stanley’s is one of the few restaurants that hasn’t come into the 21st century yet and still uses order slips. I don’t know how it works but it works. And it works really well.

A little while later my food popped up in the window along with my hand written slip. I grabbed the husband’s turkey burger and the salad she ordered and took them out to their table. I put the food down in front of them and said, “Enjoy.” As I began to walk away to check on my other tables I was beckoned back by what I know was a rude remark.
“Excuse me,” the husband said. I stopped and turned back towards the table with a smile on my face. “Just how far did you make it in your education?” Now I no longer had a smile. His wife just looked at him like she was seeing him for the first time.
“I have a bachelors degree if you must know,” I informed him as what was left of my daily ration of give-a-shits slowly drained out of my body.
“Well then I guess they never taught you what a few means then,” he said while pointing at his tomatoes. They’re fucking tomatoes dude. What do you want from me? I just stood there staring at him as I looked at the three tomatoes on his plate.
“I only wanted two tomatoes,” he informed me. This should have been the point in the conversation where I questioned his education and informed him that two tomatoes would be considered a couple. But before my mouth could correct his mistake I decided against it because I noticed the embarrassed look on his poor wife’s face. I don’t know what was wrong with him that day but he had never acted like that before and never did again.

After my run in with Mr. I Need A Dictionary, I walked into the women’s restroom and fished a couple of quarters out of my pocket and dialed a number I had become very familiar with.
“Hello.”
“Groove, you want to go get some drinks tonight?”
“Of course I do.”

After I got off my shift I drove out to Woodland Hills and met Groove at his house and we jumped in his two seater and proceeded to go back to the first bar we had gotten kicked out of a couple of months before. I finally got to drink the margarita I never got to touch so I could find out what I had been missing. And let me tell you, it was damn good. So good I decided to have a couple. I had such a good time that I had actually forgotten all about the suggested coochie shot and sliced tomatoes. After Groove and I hung out at the bar for a while we went back to his house to watch some TV. That’s when I discovered that my gay friend was only gay in the “I’m happy” sense. As he and I were sitting on the couch Groove suddenly was not only sitting much closer but also he was starting to speak Spanish in my ear in a hushed whisper. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t tuned on. All of a sudden my body got tingly in all the right places and I wished I habla’d espanol in the worst way. Great Stacy, you took three years of French and look where it’s gotten you. Has anyone ever tried to seduce you in French before? No.
I had always thought that Groove was attractive but now he was just downright erótico. As he was saying things like habjdhaj ha fjk dfskhg sjdkf lalalalala in my ear he was slowly pushing me down the couch and I was starting to lose my breath. Oh my God! I have to go.
“I have to go,” I said as I jumped up like I had just been tasered.
“No you don’t,” he said looking at me with his dark Spanish eyes.
“No, I really, really do. You obviously want more than friendship from me.”
“No shit, Stacy. What did you think I’ve been doing this whole time? Just sitting here with my thumb up my ass? Of course I want to be more than your friend. That guy you’re so faithful to doesn’t even come visit you. I’m here. I’ve been here the whole time.” He did have a point.
“I’m sorry, I…I have to go.” And I grabbed my bag and left.

The whole drive home my mind was racing with so many thoughts. Groove really cares about me and he has been here for me. Garth is in San Diego doing lord knows what and I’ve already caught him in a huge lie. I’ve had too much to drink and I shouldn’t be driving. I was full of questions and no answers. I just wanted to get home and go to bed. As I walked in the front door of our apartment I ran right smack dab into Hung and Claire sitting on the couch watching TV.
“How was your night?” Hung asked.
“Groove’s not gay,” I said as I walked into the kitchen to get myself a glass of water.
“Are you sure?” Claire asked looking skeptical.
“Very, he just tried to have sex with me.”
“Bahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!” Was all that came out of both girls as I shook my head and headed for my room. After I got inside I shut the door and could still hear their laughter from inside.
*Sigh* I hate them.

I grabbed the phone and thought I would call Garth and see if there were any more girls I didn’t know about spending the night that might help me make a decision.
“Hello.”
“Hey babe.”
“Hi Stace.” Small talk, small talk, small talk.
“So you’re graduating in the next two months. I’m really looking forward to you getting here. I miss you,” I said.
“Yeah…about that. I’m not coming right away.”
“What?”
“I’m going to stay for the summer and enjoy the beach while I still can.”
– Silence –
“Stacy, are you there?”
“Yeah, that sounds great. Look, I’ve had a long day. I’m really tired. I’ll call you tomorrow okay?”
“Sure. I love you.”
“I love you too.” I hung up the phone and just lay there in my bed staring up at the ceiling. Then I put my pillow over my face and screamed my fucking head off.

To be continued…

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