A Tale Of Two Garth’s. Chapter One. The Food Chain.

I suppose I deserved it. I actually know I did. Karma is a bitch right? But when I found out that my boyfriend of 6 ½ years had been having a 4-month affair with one of my closest friends while my mother was sick with cancer, I thought Karma had gone a little too far. He hadn’t always been a perjury committing, unchaste, half-wit. Or had he?

I was in my graduating semester at San Diego State when Garth and I first crossed paths. I had just broken up with my very cranky Korean boyfriend and was actually not interested in dating. At all! I was tired of men in general. It wasn’t that my last relationship had been bad, in fact it really had been completely wonderful and beautiful but then things just started to change. Something about me just started to bring out the worst in the Cranky Korean. So much so that his friends even made comments to me about it. We had started off as this fun couple who used to always go out together, but he began spending more and more time alone, and resenting me when I spent time with our friends. Things had changed between us, and what had once started out as a beautiful friendship that turned into an even better relationship, had drifted into a place that I couldn’t stand to be in anymore. I missed him the way he was, and didn’t want to be the reason he became angry in life, so it was time to set him free. My heart was hurt but I knew I had done the right thing. I was so busy with school and work and theater that being alone was the best place for me to be at the time. But it didn’t last for long.

I was with the rest of the Drama Geeks outside the theater department when I first noticed Garth. He was tall and strong, with blonde hair. Everything I wanted in a man at the time. I was sitting there with my friends in the middle of a perfectly good conversation when he rode by me on his skateboard and I completely lost my train of thought. He was just captivating. I can’t tell you exactly what it was but it was as if every loin in my body was screaming COME TO ME!!! He might as well have painted a giant red target on his back because I have always been a woman who usually gets what she wants and right at that very moment I knew I wanted him.
“Who is that?” I asked out load.
“That’s Garth,” my girlfriend Lou replied with a huge smile on her face.
“You know him?”
“Yeah, I’ve had him in a few classes.” What? Lou has him in some of her classes? But she’s a theater major. I was also a theater major and had never seen him in any of my classes.
“He’s in theater? Why haven’t I seen him?”
“I don’t know. Do you want me to arrange a meeting?”
“Um…yeah.” But before the meeting could go down I walked into my auditions class and there he was. Oh I LOVE my new class schedule. Thank you Great Spirit! It was the second day of the new semester and I had Auditions Techniques with the stunning Garth. Audition Techniques was for performance majors to help prepare us for acting out in the real world. I know what you’re thinking: Oh, a theater class. That’s easy. Yeah, well you’ve never been in a theater class taught by the infamous Dr. Mack Owen.

I had managed to avoid Dr. Owen for a good part of my time at SDSU. And I was proud of that fact. And then one summer I decided I would try and get ahead a little and take an Accents and Dialects class. And sure enough the instructor was Dr. Owen. As Dr. Owen went around the room calling off our names he stopped at mine.
“Hello Stacy. I notice you haven’t ever been in any of my classes. Have you been avoiding me?” Yes.
“No.” From there on out my life was hell. I had him for Accents and Dialects, I had him for Advanced Acting, I had him for Basket Weaving, no matter where I went on campus it seemed as though Dr. Owen was the only teacher who was teaching that class at that time. I couldn’t get away from the man. It was only after Advanced Acting that I had finally earned enough respect that he started cutting me just a tiny bit of slack. But before that he dug into me like a rider trying to tame a wild mustang. He was ruthless and he was brilliant at the same time. He was one of the best teachers I’ve ever had. He brought talent out in me I never even knew I possessed. When he died it was a great loss for SDSU and for us all.

But here I was once again in Dr. Owen’s class for my final semester so he could beat me into perfection just one last time before sending me off to the wolves. And here was Garth, a huge distraction. Dr. Owen didn’t like distractions. But I had to make my move, I just had to. I was graduating and even though I knew Dr. Owen was most likely going to hang my head above his desk in his office as a warning to other students to not lose focus, I was going to have to chance it for lust.

I had Audition Techniques twice a week, for an hour each time. Seventeen weeks in the semester, not including Spring Break. So I had roughly 32 hours to seduce Garth. Honestly, I didn’t think he would survive past seven hours. I stalked him the way a lioness stalks a zebra. He was on one side of the room and oddly enough I found myself sitting in that area as well during the next class. Before I knew it we were talking and flirting. Little did I know, my flirtation with Garth had gotten the attention of Derek, a devastatingly handsome theater major who at this point was giving me a tantalizing smile and seductively patting the empty seat next to him. Next thing I knew the food chain was turned on its head. Derek was the lion, I was the zebra, and Garth had just moved down the food chain to a dandelion. Huh?

Derek also happened to be an amazing actor. Just watching him sometimes made me want to take my panties off and throw them onstage. But that was the problem; if he had that affect on me he probably had that affect on pretty much every woman who crossed his path. He was also a TKE. And TKE’s were by far hands down the hottest fraternity guys on campus. I swear they had some sort of underground Male Model machine in their basement, because every single one of them looked like they had just walked out of GQ. Yes Derek was F to the I to the NE. But he was too much of a risk. I had already stalked the Dandelion I had and was currently settling in for the kill. To move targets now would have been a big mistake. So as Derek patted the empty chair, I shook my head no and my vagina mourned a little.

So the flirting between Garth and I moved forward. Even with Dr. Owen constantly in my ear yelling, “Damn it Stacy, I know you can do better! Do it again.” And “Please tell me your not going to wear THAT to an audition. You look like Laura Ingalls.”
“But I like this dress.”
“Stacy, you are an attractive young woman and sex sells in Hollywood. And THAT dress is NOT sexy! And whatever you do for God’s sakes please take the beauty pageants off your resume. It cheapens you.”
“Fine!” I snapped back at him. At this point Dr. Owen and I had spent so much time together we bickered like an old married couple. Dr. Owen drove me crazy a lot of the time but for the most part he was right. And whenever he would make me really mad I would just sit back and watch his bald head and shaking movements and pretend he was just a giant penis about to erupt. That would usually take the anger away pretty quickly.

It took about 8 classes. One more than I would have liked, but Garth eventually asked me out. Well it’s about fricking time. I’m about to graduate and move to LA buddy, we don’t have a lot of time here. Garth was coming over to pick me up and take me out and I was so excited. My roommates had already heard all about him and were ready to make his acquaintance. Unfortunately so was the rather large group of guy friends I hung out with. You see, after I broke up with the Cranky Korean I was asked out by one of our guy friends and kindly refused his offer telling him I wasn’t ready to start dating yet. And it was the truth. I wasn’t ready to start dating…him. There wasn’t anything wrong with him, he was a really nice guy, but if it didn’t work out, things at my house would not be so pleasant. It wasn’t like I could just cut him off from the group. He was dug in deep and so was I. It was just a little too close to home. I had already learned my lesson with the Cranky Korean.

So before Garth even came over to our tiny house on the beach it all of a sudden filled up with a good portion of my friends waiting for the show.
“You have got to be kidding me,” was the first thing out of my mouth as they filed in one by one with smiles on their tan surfer faces. This is going to be so uncomfortable. Somebody had brought beer, somebody else was loading the bong, and I’m pretty sure that one guy brought chips and dip. It was like a Superbowl Party, and everybody was jockeying for the best seats. What a great first impression I’m going to make. But these were my friends, and they were only looking out for me like they had always done. Through good and bad, they had been there for me. And if Garth was going to be with me, he was going to have to pass their tests first. *Sigh*

It wasn’t too long before there was a knock on the door and the whole house got really quiet. Oh my God. It’s like having 15 brothers and sisters. I opened the door and Garth stood there in a button up shirt with the sleeves cut off. Ooookaay.
“Hey,” I smiled at him. “Come on in.” And meet your doom. As he walked in the house I could tell he was pretty intimidated and I would have been too if I were in his shoes.
“Hey, how’s it going? I’m Joey,” Kristina’s boyfriend said.
“Garth, nice to meet you.” and the introductions went on. Everything was going pretty well for Garth and then the question of the evening was asked.
“So you surf?” Scotty asked.
“No man, I body board,” Garth replied and the room fell silent, except for an explosion of coughing from somewhere in the back. It might have been laughter, but it just as easily could have been a really good bong rip. With this crowd, you could never tell. Why? Why did you tell them you body board? That is the biggest sin of them all. You should have just told them you like to beat up old ladies. That they might have been able to understand, but body boarding? You are never going to live this one down and I’m never going to hear the end of it.
“We should probably go now,” I told Garth and ushered him out. I shot one last look of warning over my shoulder as we left, but to no avail. No sooner was the door closed than the entire apartment burst out into laughter.
“What was that?” Garth asked, confused.
“Nothing. They’re watching Seinfeld,” I replied. I’m going to fucking kill them all.

The date went nicely. We had some food and went over to the local brew house and had a couple of beers. Of course I had to eventually go home and face the music.
“Stacy are you really going to go out with that guy?” Joey asked me with his face scrunched up looking confused.
“Yeah, I like him.”
“But I thought you weren’t dating right now,” said the guy I had turned down.
“I changed my mind.”
“He body boards,” Scotty added in a half giggle.
“You guys…”
“Okay, if you like him then we support you,” Kristina said, although she didn’t seem convinced. I knew my friends were awesome surfers and great guys, but I didn’t know they were also clairvoyant. They had seen something I didn’t. But then again, maybe I just wasn’t looking hard enough.

To be continued…

Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: mrsdiagnosed@yahoo.com

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