I have had it with this motherf*^king snake in this motherf*^king bathroom! Part 1.

Snakes are strange and wondrous creatures. According to Wikipedia, they have highly mobile jaws, which enable them to swallow prey much larger than their heads. Now THAT is interesting! Also, did you know “living snakes are found on every continent except Antarctica and on most islands.” Most snakes are non-venomous, which is very good to know, but knowing that is of little comfort when one falls out of the towel you’re using to dry your face.

I had just finished brushing my teeth when I innocently grabbed the hand towel off the counter to dry off my mouth. Next thing I knew I was glued to the ceiling by my finger nails. WHAT THE???? It came flying out the towel so fast I wasn’t even sure it was what I thought it was. “Oh my God!” Was all I could say as I saw this snake moving across the tile floor of my bathroom. What do I now? I had failed snake charming in high school so all I could think of was, I’m pretty much fucked.

Let me be clear – I don’t have a problem with snakes. I actually have lived with two. The first one I lived with was a Ball Python that my roommate Kristina owned. I really didn’t have much of an opinion on him either way because his time in our house was very short lived. She brought him home one day and set up his tank with his little heating rock and threw in a mouse for his dinner and then left for the evening. He should have been happy. And my other roommate Kim and I probably should have minded our own business but our curiosity got the best of us.
“I wonder if the snake has eaten the mouse yet,” I said to Kim while we were getting stoned and watching Ricky Lake.
“I don’t know. You wanna go check?” she asked.
“Um…yeah!” Of course I wanted to go check. Who did she think she was talking to here? I love that kind of crap. So Kim and I got up off the futon in the living room and crept up to Kristina’s door. We then turned the doorknob ever so gently so as not to disturb the Python Regius. Then we opened the door just enough to get a peek inside and that’s when I saw what was an abomination to the entire animal kingdom. The mouse and the snake where curled up together fast asleep on the heating rock. Oh my God!!! If we don’t do something about this immediately the world may spin off its axis.
“I feel so bad for the mouse,” Kim said as she entered the room looking down into the tank.
“So do I. When that snake wakes up he’s going to be dead for sure.”
“We have to save him,” she said in all her innocence. Kim was by far one of the most sweet, most innocent people I had ever met in my life. Just watching her heartbreak over the mouse was enough to make me wrestle alligators and snakes on her behalf.
“You’re right! We must save that mouse.” Why? Because I was stoned and saving the mouse sounded like a brilliant idea. Only problem now was that one of us was going to have to put our hand in the tank.
“I don’t want to do it,” she said.
“Nether do I,” I told her.
“But we have to get the mouse.”
“It was your idea.”
“But you’re braver.”
“Not today I’m not.”
“Stacy, I can’t do it,” she said looking at me with her little Kim eyes and with her little Kim freckles. God I hate it when she uses her freckles!!
“Fine, I’ll get the mouse.” I stuck my hand into the tank with the sleeping snake and grabbed the mouse. Just as I was about to get a hold of him he woke up and began running all around the tank and all over the snake.
“STOP IT! I’M TRYING TO SAVE YOU!” I yelled at the mouse all the while trying to grab a hold of him so as not to wake up the stupid snake. Around and around he goes; when he’ll be eaten nobody knows. “Got ya!” I had him.

Kim and I took our new pet out of Kristina’s room and shut the door behind us to make sure the snake was kept securely inside.
“Well now what do we do with him?’ I asked with the snake’s tiny, white, fuzzy dinner in my hand.
“I don’t know,” she said standing there staring at me. We hadn’t really thought this through very well.
“How about one of the plastic food containers?”
“Yeah, that should work,” Kim said as she grabbed Kristina’s round plastic sugar container and emptied its contents to make room for the mouse.
“We need to put holes in the lid for air,” Kim suggested, and started trying to punch holes in the plastic lid with a giant butcher knife. Now I need to tell you a little something about my roommate and still best friend Kristina. She is very particular about things. For example, you don’t use the same towel in the bathroom to dry off your hands as you would use to dry off your face. So if you dry your hands off on her face towel, you’re probably going to die. She is also very organized. She has things in certain containers for a reason. For example, the sugar was in a plastic jar-type container to make sure it not only stayed fresh but also kept any unwanted bugs out. So the fact that we had not only stolen her mouse but now put it in one of her containers that we were now punching holes into, there was a very good chance that both Kim and I were never again going to be alive to watch another Ricky Lake show.

After we put our new pet into his new plastic home and set him on a side table near the kitchen, Kim and I sat back down to watch some more crappy TV. I loaded up my bong to kill some more brain cells. Just as we were about to find out who the baby’s daddy was on Sally Jessie Raphael, I saw a little white flash run across the floor out of the corner of my eye. This is some really good pot.
“Did you see that too?” I asked Kim.
“See what?” Great I’m officially losing it. But before I could get too concerned about my mental health the white blur appeared again and this time Kim had seen it too.
“Oh crap the mouse got out,” I said.
“But how?” she asked now chasing it around the living room. After we caught it we put it back into the plastic jar, closed the lid and stared at it for a while. One of the holes on the top of the jar was pretty big, maybe even big enough for him to squeeze through but there was no way he could get up there. After we watched him long enough to get comfortable with his incarceration we went back and sat down to finish watching the show. Before we knew it Houdini was out again and running wild through the living room. This is ridiculous!
“That’s it,” I said as I grabbed his little ass. “You have overstayed your welcome.” And I went back into Kristina’s room and threw him back into the tank with the snake.

The next morning Kim and I woke up in the room we shared and the first thing we did was run into Kristina’s room to check on our little friend. Sure enough, the mouse was still alive and well on the heating rock and the snake was just cruising around in his tank.
“There is something seriously wrong with that mouse,” I told Kim.

A couple of hours later Kristina came home with her boyfriend Joey. The second she walked in the door Kim and I fessed up about trying to save the mouse, throwing out her sugar, destroying her container and also let her know that in no way did we dry our hands off on her face towel. But we also let her know that the snake had no interest in the mouse. Kristina and Joey went into her room and just stood there in utter disbelief at the fact that the snake wasn’t going anywhere near the mouse.
“Maybe he’s not hungry,” Kristina said.
“Maybe something is wrong with the mouse,” Joey added while I stood behind him nodding my head and mouthing to Kim, “I told you so.”

We gave it a couple more days and it became a huge fascination in the house. Any and every chance I got I would go into Kristina’s room to check to see if maybe the snake had finally done the grisly deed but he never did. Eventually Joey got tired of the waiting game and grabbed the mouse and took it outside. He came back in the house about 15 minutes later with a perplexed look on his face.
“I just took the mouse and threw it on to this balcony full of cats and the cats wouldn’t even touch it,” he told us. “Something is very, very wrong with that mouse.”

It didn’t really matter though because the snake escaped not long after. We looked everywhere for him but he was nowhere to be found. I kept having reoccurring dreams that I would be sleeping and I would wake up with it wrapped around my neck trying to eat me. Luckily that never happened.

Unfortunately my time with the girls had to end. I was the oldest and I had graduated college so we all decided to give up our little house on the beach. I was moving to LA. And Kristina and Kim were moving in with their boyfriends. So we packed up and moved out. As Kristina was moving the washing machine she found her long lost snake. He had starved to death. I have to believe deep down in my heart that the snake somehow won a Darwin Award. I mean let’s be honest he wasn’t the smartest snake in the tank. He was handed food that he didn’t eat. Given a nice warm tank he escaped from and them hid in a place we couldn’t find him. At least he wasn’t on Sally Jessie trying to figure out if he was the baby’s daddy. Because that would just be silly.

To be continued….

Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: mrsdiagnosed@yahoo.com


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