2nd Honeymoon in Mexico. Part 4. The Island Of Utter Disappointment

Now that we were all back on the boat and headed for the private island I couldn’t help but fantasize about our time there. This is pretty much how I envisioned it going down:

Poptart and I would survive the inevitable shipwreck and swim to shore with Rico. Rico would teach us how to survive and not to eat the scarlet berries that grow on the island, which he calls the “never-wake-up” berries. Then Rico would forbid us to go to the other side of the island because he had witnessed a human sacrifice there. The three of us would live happily for a while until Rico would eventually drink himself to death with the booze that washed ashore. Leaving only Poptart and I to survive on our resourcefulness and the gifts the island provided.

Years would pass and Poptart and I would grow tall, strong and beautiful. I would eventually start my first menstrual cycle, which would scare both of us. Poptart would try and hold me but I would reject him and this would frustrate him sexually. Eventually my curiosity would get the best of me and I would go to the other side of the island where I would witness a large Tiki idol bleeding like Jesus bled and I would naively think that this idol represented God. Poptart would get angry with me for breaking the law that says we are not to go to the other side of the island.

Eventually he gets over it and we end up going skinny-dipping. After skinny-dipping we would eat fruit and decided that we want to get it on. Over and over again. That’s when I would start to get fat. And not just a little fat, like really, really fat.

One night I would disappear all together and Poptart will go to look for me in the jungle and find himself on the other side of the island and end up witnessing a human sacrifice. Ooohhh scary! But he eventually finds me once I start screaming out in pain. Turns out I wasn’t fat after all I was pregnant. And I end up giving birth to a baby boy. We will name him Rico.

We live for a couple of years in total harmony when one day the three of us are covered in mud and playing on the beach and we see a ship. We used to want to get off the island but we are so happy we decide not to signal it. The ship sees us too, but we are covered in mud so they think we are natives and not Poptart and myself as they have been looking for us, and they sail away.

Then one day we find our old lifeboat still in good condition at the original crash site. I fall asleep inside the boat as little Rico climbs in with a handful of scarlet berries. I wake up to the sound of little Rico tossing one of the oars to the boat into the water. That’s when I realize we have drifted off into the lagoon. Poptart sees this from shore and swims out to retrieve us but a shark follows him and we all know Poptart is scared to death of sharks. So he swims his ass of to get in the boat and to save him I hit the shark in the head by throwing the other oar at him. We are close to shore but we can’t return or get the oars because the shark just won’t go away. And before we know it, we are caught up in the current and are headed out to sea.

After drifting for days Poptart and I wake up to find Rico eating one of the berries he had picked. Oh no!!! We are devastated so we eat some too and lye down to await death. A couple of hours later a boat finds us and my uncle who is on the boat, asks, “Are they dead?” and the ships captain answers, “No, sir. They are asleep.” Whew, that was close.

But considering that was the premise to the movie The Blue Lagoon there was a good chance it wasn’t going to happen to us. But hey, a girl can dream. As we pulled up on the romantic private island I looked out and took it all in. And what did I see? It looked like Death Valley but on an island. I didn’t see one tiny speck of green anywhere.
“They are going to leave us here to die,” I told Poptart.
“Wow, this was NOT what I was expecting at all!” As we stared at the island, which had a nice size beach that backed up to some very steep rock cliffs, I suddenly wished we hadn’t left our lawn chairs and free booze back at the hotel. That’s when our tour guides told us to board some smaller boats, and they took us to the island in groups.

Group after group we were dropped off along the beach of the island of utter disappointment. People just wandered around on the beach looking at one another wondering what to do. The way the cliffs were set up there was no way off the beach. We were trapped!

As the last boat came in we could see Rico and some coolers. At least they had something for us to drink if they were going to drop us off in the desert. They also had some footballs for us to throw around. How nice of them. They pulled the cooler up on the beach and Rico plopped his man whore ass down on top of the one with the beer in it. Rico guarded that cooler with his life and you had to have a secret password and handshake to get a frosty beverage. Every time I went to get a beer from him I put a condom on my hand for fear of catching a communicable disease. Poptart, Brett, and myself decided to make the best of it and threw a football around for a while. We stayed in the water for the most part of the day because of the heat and the sun, and only braved the beach when they served us lunch. They fed us sub sandwiches that Rico passed out. When he handed me mine he made sure to tell me it was a “foot long.” I think I’m going to vomit now.

As we sat down on our towels eating our sandwiches you could literally feel your skin cooking. It was that hot. Brett at one point scared me a little when he got up from his towel and started digging himself a grave. Look man, I know you’re on vacation by yourself and you don’t know how to swim, but that’s no reason to kill yourself! You have so much to live for! But then he got one of the buckets the guides had given us to make sand castles or maybe they gave them to us to collect our own urine to drink for when we eventually started dying from dehydration. Brett took the bucket and filled it up with water and kept dumping it into the make shift grave. At first it looked like an exercise in futility. He would go down to the water fill up the bucket walk up the beach and dump it into the hole. He kept doing this over and over again and eventually the hole filled up. Then he laid down in it, keeping his head out of the water.
“Dude, that is sheer genius,” Poptart told him.
“I can’t handle the sun anymore. It’s just too hot,” he replied. As I sat there thinking, Now why didn’t I think of that? From somewhere behind me I heard, “You’re getting burnt.” I turned around to see the 60 something year old couple huddled together in the one tiny spot of shade on the entire island.
“You’re getting burnt,” she told me again.
“Thank you?” I didn’t know what she wanted me to do about it. I mean I was thankful that she was telling me, but unless she was planning on forking over her shaded money spot, there was really nothing I could do about it. I was already covered in tons of sunscreen. All I could do now was layback and wait to die.

It seemed like forever but we eventually got the signal for everyone to get their stuff together to get back on the boat. As I got up I looked around and everyone on the beach was walking around like burnt, tired zombies. Brains…Brains!! No one looked good. One by one people climbed back into the boats using what seemed to be all that was left in their energy reserves.

Back on board everybody just dropped like flies. One after another people started laying down all over the boat for the ride home. Poptart, Brett and I climbed to the top of the boat because I wanted to make sure to get one last good picture of the island for when I got back to the hotel and contacted the authorities. Officer, I swear to you, go to this island right here. I guarantee you will find the bodies of missing people there. There is a group of criminals pawning themselves off as snorkeling instructors. They are led by a man named Rico. I don’t know why they let us live but I have a feeling the next group out won’t be so lucky! After I had gotten all the photographic evidence I was going to need the three of us just dropped down and sat right where we had been standing. The day had been so long we didn’t have enough energy to care enough about finding real seats. As the boat floated through the water headed for port I hung my head to my right side and watched the water pass below us when I actually saw my first glimpse of beauty that day.
“I just saw a turtle!” I told the guys excitedly. And at this I lifted my right hand to point to the spot I had seen it and that’s when the strap from my disposable waterproof camera snapped and I lost all the evidence of the island of utter disappointment.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” I yelled over the side of the boat reaching down, but the camera was gone. Not only would the crime spree continue, but I would also not be able to prove my story. So my friends, on this one…well, you’re going to just have to take my word for it.

To be continued…

Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: mrsdiagnosed@yahoo.com

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