No Neck Jim


So there I was, stuck in Los Angeles with my moronic, misleading, can’t-keep-his-dick-in-his-pants boyfriend Garth. To be fair, I didn’t know about the infidelity. So he was just moronic and misleading at that point. One night we decided to take one of our five neighbors with us to a party. It’s not like we held a lottery or anything. Although that would have been rather interesting. I’m guessing Garth would have picked the stripper who lived across from us, who hung her delicates on a line outside her apartment so we all had the pleasure of knowing which g-string she had most recently worn. There was the strippers’ boyfriend who was a musician and wrote jingles. If you want to holler give my girlfriend a dollar. You can see her underwear so you know what’s under there. Hey, give me some credit here. I’m a first time jingle writer.

Then there was cat-hating Victor. Well in his defense I don’t think he hated all cats just cats that weren’t his. My personal favorite tenant, Jodi, lived directly below us. Jodi complained about us ALL the time. Jodi was like a librarian but much quieter. And much nastier. She probably would have done well working in a morgue. That way she could be in complete silence at all times. There was no pleasing her unless we could learn to levitate and since this was impossible the fights between us were ongoing.

Last but not least was the man I like to refer to as No Neck Jim. Jim was called No Neck Jim because he had no feet. But seriously the man had no neck. There I said it. His head just sat right on his body. I’m sure there was a neck in there somewhere but I just couldn’t see it. No Neck Jim is the son of the landlady. And after spending some time with him I can see why she would want him out of her house. Jim had quite a drinking problem. Not like my problem, like “Vodka is yummy I think I’ll have some.” No Jim’s drinking problem was next level. More like “I’m going to ignore doctor’s orders that drinking has destroyed my liver and for the love of God please stop.” For example he at once had gotten a total work up because he had done so much damage to his liver, and apparently the tests came back and the liver had written HELP ME on the outside of Jim’s diaphragm. But did this stop Jim from drinking? No way man, Jim wanted to par-tay!

One night Garth and I were on our way to a par-tay when No Neck caught us on our way out. It was virtually impossible to get past his apartment undetected. Both our apartments were on the second floor and ours was the corner apartment. Meaning to get to ours you would have to walk up the stairs and right past Jim’s front door and huge windows. So Jim pretty much knew every time we came and went. On this particular night Garth and I weren’t on our toes. We opened our front door and meandered out of our apartment slowly when Jim popped out of his apartment.
“Hi you guys! What’s up? Want to hang out?” he asked. No.
“Oooooh noooothing. Just going to a party,” my special education boyfriend informed him. Dumb ass!
“Oh cool can I go?” Jim asked. I knew it!
“Uuuuuh sure,” Garth said. And just like that Jim was now coming with us to a party at one of our friend’s houses. “Hold on, let me change really quickly,” Jim said and ran back inside like a kid who had just been told he was being treated to a day at Disneyland.
“Why did you tell him we were going to a party?” I asked Garth under my breath.
“I didn’t know what to say,” Garth responded.
“You could have told him we were going to your parents’ house or something. That way he wouldn’t have wanted to come along.” But my logic was wasted. It was too late, Jim was already back outside his front door and practically jumping up and down. He must not get out much.

We drove over to the party and Jim was already in full on interrogation mode.
“So are there going to be any cute girls at this party?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Good, I need to get laid.” Tell me he did not just say that.
“Jim, this is going to be just a small party and most of the girls there have boyfriends who also happen to be friends of ours so take it easy okay,” I told him.
“Oh, okay. Yeah, I’ll take it easy. Just tell me which ones are single okay,” he said.
“Sure,” I said very curtly. The group of friends I had in LA was a very tight knit group and subjecting any of my girlfriends to No Neck wasn’t on my list of things to do.

Once we got to the party we walked into the house and made our way into the back yard where 15 or so of our friends were barbecuing next to this amazing swimming pool. It was a really nice night in LA and the temperature was perfect for sitting outside and having some beers and talking. But I have a feeling when we told Jim we were going to a party he was thinking PARTY!!!!! Because the look on his face was one of utter disappointment. But Jim sat down at one of the many chairs that were outside and partook of some free beers and a shot or two and next thing I knew Jim was having a perfectly good time hanging out with everyone. I was actually shocked Jim was pretty witty.

The party went on and people spread throughout the house. I had been inside with one of my girlfriends and was on my way back out to the patio just in time to witness the insanity that is No Neck Jim. No Neck was having a perfectly normal conversation with our friend Jared when out of nowhere he blurts out, “What’s your problem?” Is he talking to himself?
“What?” Jared asked back utterly confused.
“Huh?” No Neck replied, posturing from his seat.
“You asked me what my problem was,” Jared reminded him.
“So…”
“So what?”
“So what’s your problem?” No Neck asked Jared again in an overly aggressive manner.
“Okay now you’re really starting to piss me off,” Jarred told him.
“Why?”
“Because you’re a fucking nut job that’s why!”
“Huh?” No Neck said again, but this time there was no aggression. Now he just looked confused. Jared just stood there for a second staring at No Neck trying to figure him out.
“Are you okay dude?” Jared asked No Neck.
“Yeah. Why?”
“Because just a second ago you were acting like you wanted to kick my ass.”
“I was?”
“Yeah, dude.”
“Oh…” So Jared just proceeded to ignore No Neck and focused his attention on his girlfriend Erica who was also sitting at the table. It wasn’t long before I saw No Neck starting to get steamed up, about what, I’ll never know. And then…
“What is your problem?!!!!”
**Sigh**
At this point Jared was ready to make the switch from “lover-not-a-fighter” into full-on fighter mode.
“Stacy, Garth, your friend needs to go before I kick his ass,” Jared informed us. Garth is a rather big man so it was his job getting the drunken nonsense talking No Neck out of the house and back into the Car.

I was pissed and didn’t say a word the entire way home. But from the back seat No neck starts talking.
“So why did we have to leave?” Oh my God! He really has no idea why we had to leave.
“We had to go because Stacy is really tired and she has to work tomorrow morning,” Garth told him. Finally, an excuse No Neck can’t poke holes in.
“Oh, that’s too bad. Your friends were really nice. I think that chick Erica wants me.”
At this Garth just looked over at me and I looked back at him with my mouth hanging open.

After we got home we helped No Neck stumble up the stairs and into his apartment.
“Goodnight,” he slurred. “Let me know when you guys have any more parties.” Yeah, cause that’s going to happen.
“Sure thing Jim,” Garth replied. And then No Neck just stood at his door smiling at us.
“Well goodnight,” I said.
“Good night,” he slurred.
“See you tomorrow,” Garth said.
“See you tomorrow,” No Neck responded still standing in his door way. Oh forget it! I give up! I took the keys out of Garths hand and opened our apartment door and Garth followed me inside.
“I want to go back to the party,” Garth said in a whisper.
“So do I but we can’t as long as he has that door open.”
“Man I hate that guy!!”
“Me too. He’s an asshole.”
“Do you think he’s shut his door yet?”
“I don’t know. I can’t see it from here,” I told Garth looking through the peephole in the door.
“Stacy I don’t want to sit here forever.”
“Me neither, we’re totally missing out on the food.”
“So…”
“Okay, I say we open the door and if he’s still standing there I’ll tell him I left my purse in the car.”
“But you have it on you. Don’t you think he would have noticed it?”
“Dude, he doesn’t even know why we had to leave the party.”
“True,’ he said. “Okay give it a try.” So I opened the door a tiny crack and No Neck’s door was shut so Garth and I actually levitated across the floor past his windows and down the stairs. Jody caught us at the bottom of the stairs and said, “I KNEW IT! I knew you could levitate if you wanted to!” Actually she did catch us but she just gave us a really dirty look.

We went back to the party and spent the rest of the evening talking about what an asshole No Neck Jim was and about how composed Jared was. Luckily No Neck’s mom kicked him out not too long after that night. Even she didn’t like him. And he got replaced with a really nice guy we ended up becoming friends with. The stripper also moved out and took her jingle-writing boyfriend with her. That was kind of a bummer actually because No Neck Jim’s mom moved into that apartment. Victor was still… Victor. Jodi below us ended up having a rather passionate love affair with Ricky from the movie Better Off Dead. However the thought of the two of them making out just gives me the willies. But no matter how hard we tried we had still never learned to levitate. So things pretty much remained the same. Minus the undies.

Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: mrsdiagnosed@yahoo.com

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