Oh, what a tangled web we weave… Part 2.

Saturday night came and I was super excited about the date with the guys. I puffed up my already over permed hair so that it was at maximum height, and carefully applied my false eyelashes. I was such a hot hooker I knew I would drive him wild just by looking at me. Either that or scare the crap right out of him. Either way, what did I have to lose? I made sure to add the finishing touch on my attire by pulling the Velcro extra tight on my knee immobilizer and I was good to go. Oh yea…he is going to be all over me.

Of course the first thing I was going to have to do was hobble my gimpy ass past Mr. X and out of the dorms without being spotted. My relationship with Mr. X was a tricky one. You see, I was already cheating on my boyfriend back home with Mr. X so it’s not like he exactly expected me to be faithful to him either. But why take the chance on an already good situation. I know…I was a total asshole.

After I got past Mr. X and his overwhelming number of friends in the dorm without getting spotted, Satan and I made our way to the parking structure and bolted for freedom!!! We’re in the Navy…da da data da da…we’re in the Navy. I was so excited to see Scott again I was sure that I was going to have to be hosed down soon. Oh my God I’m so worked up I might have to have sex with myself.

We pulled up to the base and as soon as we spotted them Scott gave me a huge smile. Oh, I’m so glad he’s just as cute when I’m sober as he is when I’m drunk. He climbed into the back seat and put my gimpy leg over him as we tried to give each other what was an extremely awkward hug because of the knee immobilizer.
“You look beautiful,” he said.
“Thank you,” I replied.
“You have the most amazing eyelashes,” he told me and I heard Satan let out a little evil giggle from the driver’s seat.

We went to dinner at this little restaurant in Pacific Beach and sat on the patio with Robert and Satan. We were having a nice conversation but Scott and I couldn’t take our eyes off each other. The chemistry between us was intense. We both told stories about ourselves and asked each other tons of questions about one another. We were totally bonding. The whole night was perfect. He focused all his attention on me and it was as if we were the only two people in the entire restaurant. I don’t think I had ever had a date like that before this particular night. I was used to college guys but this was a fully-grown man I was dealing with, and to be honest it kind of scared the hell out of me.

During the evening Satan and I had done what most women do and went to the bathroom together. Just to let you guys in on a little secret, we do this so we can hold each other up. There is nothing like getting flushed down the toilet in the middle of a really good date. It’s kind of hard to recover the chemistry after that. As we stood in the mirror primping, Satan lived up to her name.
“If you don’t tell him your eyelashes are fake I’m going to,” she said. “I’m sick of hearing him tell you how long they are.” Thanks. Bitch.
“Whatever,” was all I could get out and walked out of the bathroom. I was having a wonderful evening and I wasn’t about to let the princess of darkness put a damper on it.

After dinner we walked down to the beach and did a little bit of making out on the sand. I was enjoying myself; I really was. But the only thing that kept going through my head was, he’s in the Navy Stacy. He has probably been with tons of women. This isn’t good. Now I know what you’re thinking, but Stacy you’re a ho what do you care? But let me enlighten you. I was the “Mad Frencher.” I would kiss and make out with a lot of guys but sleeping with them was a whole different ball game. That was sacred. The first guy I had ever slept with had been my boyfriend for three years. I was a PG rated ho and I wanted to keep it that way.

Later that night we had all made our way back to the dorms with some drinks and Satan and I snuck the guys into our room past my Mr. X and Satan’s boyfriend that lived just down the hall (I’m not the only bad girl in this story). As the four of us were sitting on our twin beds Scott looked over at me and said what Satan had been waiting for for half the night.
“You have the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen!” And just as Satan went to open her big fat demon mouth to bust my cover, I pulled off both my eyelashes and took Scotts hand and put them inside his palm.
“If you like them so much Scott, you can have them,” I said as I gave Satan a dirty look. Great! Now he’s gone for sure. Thanks Satan, you bitch! Scott just stared at me for a second and then stared at the eyelashes he now held in his hand. But he didn’t freak out; he actually started laughing about it. And then so did I. Not only had I just given Satan a silent “fuck you,” but I had also entertained my date in the process.

After a lot of laughing and a little more drinking, we both curled up in my twin bed and went to sleep. Granted, it was a little cramped between the three of us: Scott, me, and the knee immobilizer. But it had been a perfect evening.

Things between Scott and I were going really well. He was actually staying in port for a while so he moved off the ship into an apartment with a friend and his friend’s fiancé. Because of this Satan and I were able to continue our dates with the guys. They asked us to the Navy Ball, which was a blast. I of course destroyed all photographic evidence for fear of getting caught by my real boyfriend back in LA, or by Mr. X. Life was getting complicated enough as it was and I didn’t need to make it anymore so. But the four of us were starting to really enjoy ourselves until one night after we had been drinking on the beach Robert got a little too tipsy. He then confided in me that he wished he had met me first and that if I had any desire to switch over he would blow Satan off. A secret I never told Satan. But something she must have picked up on because she took it out on me one night and for two days after.

Her family was having a Christmas party in LA and she took Robert and me. All night long Satan was surrounded by family and friends and was having a great time. And then there was Robert and I. I knew her family and was starting to get to know her friends pretty well but Robert didn’t know anyone so he gravitated towards me. While Satan was busy being the life of the party Robert and I were sitting on the couch talking. Our conversation was completely innocent. We might as well have been singing church hymns, it was that innocent. But Satan didn’t like it. At one point she came over and laid herself across our laps interrupting a conversation that was already in progress and told us to join the party. We did our best to comply with her demands before she started killing hostages. She was being THAT aggressive.

After the party was over we climbed back into her car for what was to be the longest ride of my young life. Robert fell asleep and left me with her wrath. Or I should say silent treatment. I tried to speak to her in the car but all I got in return was silence. I fucking hate the silent treatment.

We FINALLY made it back to San Diego and dropped Robert back off at base. Good, maybe she’ll finally talk to me. But when I tried to speak to her again, nothing. This went on for two more days. We lived in a very small room with four walls, two twin beds and one mini fridge. This was getting ridiculous.
“Please tell me why you’re not speaking to me,” I pled to her in complete and utter frustration.
“I’m not talking to you because you were hitting on my date at the Christmas party in front of all my friends and family,” she replied.
*Sigh* “I was not. Hitting. On your date!!” At this point I was just getting pissed. This conversation was almost as much fun as the time she told me a friend of ours was choking. And as I was running down the hall I had the horrible realization that Satan was fucking with me. But who would play such a sick joke you ask. She would and she did. Hence, the name Satan.
“We were talking about Scott if you really want to know!”
“Well my sister told me you were hitting on him.” This coming from a woman who wasn’t anywhere near my conversation with Robert. This was by far the stupidest argument I had ever been in with Satan up to this point. Trust me, they got dumber as our time together went on.
“Satan, I wouldn’t do that to you. You’re my friend.” And I was being truthful. She was my friend and I would have never done that to her. Not to mention, I didn’t want Robert. Sure he was very cute, but I was into Scott. Also, I had screwed over a friend once in high school and vowed to never do it again. But as far as she was concerned I was wrong and she was right. I didn’t bother to tell her that, if I wanted Robert, he had made it very clear that I could have him. I kept that piece of information to myself and endured her wrath instead. In retrospect, I should have just smothered her with a pillow in her sleep and called it a day.

After that weekend, Scott and I went on our dates solo, without Robert and Satan. Just as well, since Robert and Satan called it quits not long after the Christmas party. I can’t imagine why. She was so charming, and he was an incredibly loyal pal/boyfriend. NOT! I never told Scott what Robert had said to me that night on the beach. Frankly, I was done with the whole Robert drama and I just wanted to enjoy what time I had left with Scott before he shipped out again. Scott and I kept everything PG-13, but I could tell that he was getting frustrated because he wanted to move into an R rating and I was strictly Disney. Before we reached the critical “put up or shut up” point in our relationship, he got deployed. Then just like that, he was gone.

To be continued…

Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: mrsdiagnosed@yahoo.com

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