My stupidity knows no boundaries. Part 2.


After working hard to convince my dad that Matt was indeed just a friend and that I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to kill me, my dad agreed to let me go to the fraternity induction. You see, I had never actually lived with my dad until the summer of my 18th birthday when I moved from Big Bear to Lakewood to attend Cerritos College. So having his daughter in his house full time was not only virgin territory, but also very frightening for him.

Anyway, we were a go for the fraternity induction. I still had a closet full of dresses left over from high school. So I picked a short, black, off the shoulder velvet number and some nice black heels to match. You’ve got to love being able to shop in your own closet. Chris and Matt were going to pick up Chris’s date first and then grab me and then we were going to make the 45-minute drive out to Newport Beach. Which was more like 1 ½ hours stuck in traffic. We took Chris’s Volkswagen, which was a really stupid idea considering Matt was 6’4 and I’m 5’10 and we were both in the back seat. David Copperfield is still trying to figure out how we were able to accomplish this, but we have refused to divulge our secrets.

Once we got to Newport we went to the hotel where we were all staying. We changed into our fancy clothes and it was onto the party bus to take us to the induction ceremony. Everything was going well so far. Matt introduced me as his friend Stacy, kept his hands to himself, and I was starting to have a pretty good time. We drank some beers on the bus and had a nice little buzz buy the time we got to the induction ceremony.

Now I don’t really know what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting things to be a bit more formal. They asked us to dress nicely, but they might as well have given us some prison orange jump suites and told us to start a riot. The poor hotel didn’t know what they had in store for them. ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! Once Matt and I walked into the banquet hall he was immediately handed a Jagermeister shot. This isn’t going to be good. That’s when he started introducing me to some of the guys I didn’t know.
“Ryan, this is my friend Stacy,” Matt said.
“It’s nice to meet you, Ryan.”
“Aren’t you the swimmer?” asked Ryan. Huh? How did he know I was a swimmer? Then Matt was given a shot of Tequila.
“Mark, have you met my good friend Stacy?”
“Hi Mark…I’m Stacy.”
“Yeah, you’re the swimmer Matt keeps talking about.” What? Then there were a couple more shots and then dinner was served. Oh thank GOD, dinner! Maybe the food will sober him up a little. But what did they serve with dinner? More booze. Then the speeches started and with the speeches came the “Here, here’s,” and with the “Here, here’s,” came even more drinking to the point where my date was nice and sloppy.

After dinner I excused myself to the ladies room so I could hide out for a little while. I just hung out in the hallway outside the women’s room drinking a glass of wine when a girl I knew from one of the sororities stopped to say hi.
“So who are you here with?” she asked.
“Matt Drunkoffhisass. You know him?”
“Ooooh, no wonder you’re hiding,” she said as she started laughing. “The actives do their best to get the inductees wasted. You are going to have a VERY long night ahead of you.”
“Thanks,” I said. Deflated.
“I’m so sorry Stacy. Just try and have fun, it will be over soon.”

But soon wasn’t soon enough. As soon as I walked back into the banquet hall Matt had his arms around me and held me tighter than Kate Gosselin is holding on to her 15 minutes of fame.
“Have you met my FRIEND Stacy?” he asked the pledge master. “I’m not allowed to call her my girlfriend because all she does is break my heart!” And…that’s my cue to be leaving…
“Oh yeah…the swimmer. How come you keep breaking Matt’s heart? He’s a good guy, you should give him a chance.” The pledge master slurred at me. Oh good, now there’s two of them.
“If you’ll excuse me, I have to use the restroom,” I said as I hit the bartender up for another glass of wine and took a seat in the hallway. I spent the rest of the evening trying to dodge my grabby date and making mad dashes back into the bar for another glass of wine. I was over Matt and his buddies and was ready to get the hell out of there.

The party did eventually end and believe or not my date was still standing. We climbed back onto the party bus, yeah, because “more party” was exactly what this crew needed. Of course my dream of a date grabbed more to drink.
“Stacy, come sit on my lap!” he yelled to me from three seats down.
“No, thanks. I’m good right here,” I replied. My answer to Matt’s question was met with a bit of a mixed reaction. Some people laughed, mostly the girls and a very, very drunk Chris. And then there were the other fraternity brothers who said things like, “Matt, why do you like her? She’s kind of a bitch.” And, “Dude, you could do better.” Would someone please kill me? Now would be good. But just before Matt could get too depressed about my rejection, one of his pledge brothers decided to vomit all over my shoes. I shot out of my seat so fast that I ripped the slit that was already in the back of my dress to a point that was just barely legal. Of course I managed to end up right on Matt’s lap, staring at where I had left my shoes in a puddle of puke. Matt just put his arms around me and hugged me like a child at a carnival that had just won a prize.

After the party bus dropped us off at the first hotel it was pretty apparent that neither Chris nor Matt could drive us home. And Kelly and I were way over the legal limit as well.
“We’re going to have to get a room,” Chris said as Matt’s eyes lit up.
‘That’s a great idea!” Matt said. Did I just die and go to hell? Think Stacy. Can you drive? And no matter how much I wanted to, I knew that I was way too drunk to be driving anyone anywhere. As the guys went in to get the room Kelly and I were outside talking.
“I don’t want to sleep in the same bed as Chris, this is our first date,” she said. I was so relieved.
“Oh good. Because I don’t want to sleep in the same bed as Matt.”
“Let’s sleep together and have the guys sleep together.”
“Deal.” I was officially in love with Kelly.

So we got one room with two double beds. Cool. I went to use the restroom and came back out to find my new bestie Kelly in bed and all snuggly with Chris. Fucking traitor. And there was Matt with a huge grin on his face. I took a deep breath and gave Kelly a dirty look as I went to lay down next to Matt. I immediately closed my eyes and tried to go to sleep. That’s when I heard Chris and Kelly making out and getting all heated. This is the worst night. EVER! And just when I was sure it couldn’t get any worse I felt Matt’s hand on my stomach and he was moving it around my waist.
“Knock it off.” I told him.
“Come on Stacy, you make me so hot.”
“Move your hand,” I said as I took his hand in mine and pushed it back over to his side of the bed. A couple of minutes later the same hand found it’s back over to my side of the bed and it wasn’t alone. That better not be what I think it is. Oh, never mind it is. As I felt Matt grind himself up against my thigh I instantly knew why he was always bragging about having size 14 feet.
“Matt STOP IT!”
“I can’t Stacy, I just want you so bad,” he said as he continued to pull me into him. I didn’t know what to do at this point so I gave him what he wanted. I finally kissed him just the way he always wanted me to.
“Oh Stacy,” he moaned. When he climbed on top of me I grabbed him and flipped him over so I could look down at him. And that’s when I did something I never thought I would do with Matt. I punched him right in the face.
“WHAT THE FUCK STACY?” he said as he jumped out of bed.
“I told you to knock it off!”
“So you make out with me?”
“I only made out with you so I could get a clear shot!”
“Bitch!”
“Whatever.” Then my knight in shining armor and boxer shorts got up and took a pillow with him into the bathroom and officially claimed it as his own.

After he took up residence with the only toilet the four of us had, I looked over at Chris and Kelly who were half naked sitting there in bed with their mouths hanging open. “Goodnight,” I said and pulled the covers up over my head.

The next morning wasn’t pretty. Matt finally came out of the bathroom after Chris got mad at him because Kelly was about to piss herself. And when he emerged he had a shiner that made me proud. That will teach him to ignore a woman when she says no! We all checked out and I couldn’t wait to get home but then Chris had a brilliant idea.
“Who’s hungry?” Really? So there we were, four hung-over people, one with a giant black eye, sitting at Denny’s eating breakfast. Matt never once looked at me through the entire meal. When the check came I would have liked to pay for my meal but I didn’t have any money so I just stared across the table at Matt. It was the least he could do after getting sloppy drunk and trying to date rape me. I wasn’t mad at him anymore and was willing to be over the entire situation but he wasn’t.
“Matt, you’re such a dick,” Chris said as he paid for my breakfast.
“She punched me in the face!”
I just stared at him and shook my head. There was no communicating with him at this point. The rest of the ride home was in total silence and we didn’t say a word to each other when I got home and out of the car.

Matt and I occasionally crossed paths on campus and the second he saw me he would pretty much run the other way. He ended up moving back to Jersey, and no I don’t think it was because of me. Chris and I stayed friends all the way up until I transferred to San Diego State. About 5 months after the black eye incident I got a call one night from Jersey.
“Hello,” I said.
“Stacy, it’s Matt.” Like I couldn’t tell with the accent.
“Hey Matt.”
“Look…I’m…uh…really sorry about what happened between us.”
“Me too. I’m sorry I…punched you in the face?” But I wasn’t.
“Stacy, I was in love with you. I still am.” Wow, this is uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to say at this point. I mean what did he want from me?
“Oh Matt…” was all I could muster.
“I used to watch you swim laps every morning before school.” So that’s why everyone kept calling me the swimmer. What? He watched me swim every morning? Now that’s just creepy.
“Is that U2 playing in the background?”
“Yes,” he said trying to sound deeply depressed. Matt and I talked for a while and managed to laugh at least once or twice about the night of the induction. But after that we never spoke again. I don’t know where he is now, or what he’s doing but I wish him all the best. And if he’s married I’m sure that she is not only a wonderful woman but also a very happy one. Let’s be honest, the guy wears a size 14 shoe and I’m sure has a very extensive U2 collection by now. But the heart wants what the heart wants. And ours…just didn’t want the same things. Over the years I’ve thought about this incident many times and if there is one thing I want my daughter to learn from me, it’s going to be how to throw a punch.

Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: mrsdiagnosed@yahoo.com

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