My stupidity knows no boundaries. Part 1


Maybe ending the night with a punch to the face wasn’t exactly what my date was expecting. But it was definitely what he deserved. When my “Friend” Matt asked me to go with him as his date to the Whogivesacrappa fraternity induction I had a feeling it wasn’t going to be a good idea. I should have followed that feeling. Sensing my trepidation he turned on his best “sad puppy dog” eyes. When that didn’t work, he pulled the “puppy just got ran over by a car” eyes. Out of all the girls in this entire school he had to ask me?
“Look Matt, I will go with you on one condition,” I began.
“Sure. What? ANYTHING!”
“We go as friends. That means no kissing, grabbing, pawing, rubbing, or grazing of the breast when you reach for a drink. I’m serious. We. Are. Friends.” I stared straight into the puppy dog eyes to emphasize my point.
“Of course. No funny business. I swear,” he said. I didn’t want to do it because I knew better but I went ahead and said yes anyway. Some people never learn.
“Thank you so much Stace I swear you won’t regret it!” And then he grabbed me with all 6’4 of him and gave me a hug that lasted a little too long followed by a giant kiss on the cheek. I am going to regret this is I just know it.

Let me catch you up on my relationship with Matt up to this point. He and I were both newcomers to Cerritos Junior College in Norwalk, CA. We had met during Rush Week back when I thought joining a sorority might be a good idea. I came to my senses and he didn’t. He joined one of the fraternities on campus but I never held it against him and he never held the fact that I wasn’t a Greek against me. I just was what it was. He lived with a couple of friends, one of whom was also a member of the same fraternity. His name was Chris. Chris was one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. He just had this quality about him that always made you feel welcome and like he was actually listening to you instead of trying to get into your pants. That was a quality in a man that was rare during this particular period in my life. Matt, on the other hand, was the more outgoing of the two. He was tall and thin and had dark curly hair. He was good looking and had such a strong Jersey accent it was practically impossible to ignore him. I really loved them both. I enjoyed their company and was so happy that in my short time there I met some really good friends.

My relationship with Matt started to change at some point. It was subtle at first but once the wheels were in motion they started picking up speed. It started at a party at their house. It was a fraternity party like they all were and I was there with a couple of friends of mine when Matt made his first play for me. We were in his backyard talking when out of nowhere he leaned over and tried to kiss me. I pulled away.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Why did you do that?” I asked him back.
“Didn’t you want me to?”
“Did you think I wanted you to?”
“Weren’t you giving me a vibe?” he asked.
“What vibe?”
“You mean you didn’t want me to kiss you?”
“Why would you think I wanted you to kiss me?”
“Because you were giving me a vibe.”
“WHAT VIBE?” He eventually just got frustrated with my Counter-Questioning and stormed away saying, “WHATEVER!” at the top of his lungs, as I just sat there wondering to myself, What vibe? To this day can’t tell you exactly why I wasn’t attracted to him. I mean on paper we were the perfect couple but it just wasn’t there. I could have made out with him. It’s not like it would have been the first time I had kissed a guy I wasn’t really into at a party, but I really liked him and didn’t want to lose our friendship.

Matt didn’t give up. The next try was in the afternoon. He was sick as a dog and missed school for a couple of days and I brought him over some food. He was lying in bed looking like he was just about to go into the white light when he took my hand and pulled me into him and onto the bed. I didn’t know that 18 year old Vajayjay could cure flu like symptoms but Matt apparently thought so.
“Come on Stace, just one kiss.”
“No. Now eat your burrito.”
I can’t believe I didn’t just jump his bones right there. I mean he smelled like hell and by the looks of him I could tell he hadn’t showered anytime recently, and now he smelled like a mixture of stink and refried beans. Smooth operator.

From there on out things just got weird. The next party they threw I showed up and the place was packed. My friend and I could hear the party from the moment we turned onto their street. We pulled up in front and got out of my girlfriend Laura’s lowered purple truck with matching purple running lights. She was a part time pimp. It was as if Matt was waiting by the front windows for me to walk in the door because as soon as my foot hit the carpet the party music stopped and U2’s With Or Without You started playing.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XmSdTa9kaiQ&feature=avmsc2 Everyone in the party stopped raging and just looked at each other like “What the fuck?” I looked over and there was Matt sulking in a corner giving me a brooding look. The look was a cross between, “I’m going to fuck you so hard,” and “You just ran over my favorite kitten.” If this was his sexy look he wasn’t very good at it.
“What’s going on?” I asked Chris.
“I have no idea,” Chris said as he looked at Matt and shook his head. “He’s been really weird every time I talk about you.” Laura and I just stood there with our case of beer in hand and the longer I stood there the more U2 he played.
“I think we need to go,” I told Chris.
“I’m really sorry, Stacy,” he said with a sad look in his eyes. So Laura and I left the party and sure enough just as we were about to climb back into the pimp mobile the party music came back on and the party was up to a full roar.
“What was up with that?” Laura asked me.
“I really don’t know.” I said as we headed off to another party that we knew was totally safe for the both of us.

I ran back into Chris the next Monday on campus and he apologized to me again.
“Chris, it’s not your fault,” I told him. “I think it might be a good idea for me not to come around for a while.”
“But that’s not fair. You’re my friend too.” And he was right, but I kept to my word and didn’t go to any more of their parties for a while. I would see Matt around campus and tried to smile and make eye contact but he would always just give me the same brooding looks he did the night of the party so I just decided to write him off. I had better things to do with my time. Like trying to find the other three white people on campus. It was like trying to find Waldo. Once you found one you got a prize. I’M A WINNER! “Oh wait does it count if I found myself?”

About a month later Chris and I ran into each other in the campus food court and he told me they were having another party.
“Stacy, you have to come. This one is going to be HUGE!!!”
“Dude, I don’t think it’s a good idea. Laura and I have some drive-by practice that night”
“No, I promise. I talked to Matt and he really wants you there. He say’s he’s sorry.”
*Sigh* “All right, what time.”
“9 o’clock Saturday night.”
“We’ll see.”

This time I brought my girlfriend Michelle. Michelle was beautiful. She and I were on the cheer squad at Cerritos together and she was dating a really tight-laced Mormon guy and was in serious need of a party so I thought this might be a good opportunity for her to let off a little steam. As usual we brought our own beer because there is nothing I hate more than having to rely on the kindness of others. Sure enough, as soon as we stepped in the doorway, it was Bye-Bye Beastie Boys, Hello Bono.
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you…
I took one look at Michelle and said, “We have to go.” She had already known the back-story so I didn’t have to bore her with a long drawn out explanation.
“I know of a football party going on tonight,” she informed me.
“We are so there.” And off we went to hang out with some much less sensitive jocks.

Matt and I didn’t talk for a long time after that. He tried to talk to me but I just ignored him. One day he caught up with me after cheer practice and told me he was sorry for all his shenanigans and that he was over me. THANK GOD! I smiled and told him I was happy he had moved on. I don’t think my huge sigh of relief was the exact reaction he was looking for. But he did his best over the next month to make it up to me by acting “normal” and even invited me over for more parties. I was skeptical, but to his credit he stopped playing U2 when I came over, and he even went so far as to practically ignore me. And I was good with that. I got to hang out with Chris and go back to being just one of the guys. So when Matt asked to be his date to his fraternity induction I was still a little uneasy but he seemed like he really was done with the whole “I will wait for you,” thing so I agreed to go. My stupidity knows no boundaries.

To be continued….

Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: mrsdiagnosed@yahoo.com

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