Psychotic Sunday – Let’s “Process” this.
Every Sunday on Mrs. Diagnosed we have Psychotic Sundays, where “Mrs. Diagnosed” becomes “Miss Information.” From here on out Sundays will be dedicated to advice. Kind of like “Dear Abby,” if Abby were a drunken ex-convict with ADHD. We want you, the readers, to write in with any problems you haven’t been able to solve with alcohol and/or Oprah. The reason I say “we” is because I have put together a top-notch team of “experts” to help you with your issues. Please keep in mind we are not professional therapists.
Each one of us has written a description of ourselves. When you write in you can choose to pose your question to one of us directly, or just throw it in the pot and we’ll draw for it. Questions will then be posted on Sundays along with our answers. Please send questions to me at email@example.com, and let me know which of the following crackpots you choose to be your moral Sherpa.
And now for your reading pleasure:
Dear Mrs. Diagnosed,
I have been in a long term relationship for a couple of years and we just recently broke up because he moved out of state for work. So now I am trying to date. Which I know nothing about. I met this this guy on a singles website and we have been video chatting for 3 weeks. We finally met up the other night for drinks and I thought we had a good time. That night he told me he would probably be online the next day. But when I went online he wasn’t there. He also hasn’t called or texted me. It’s been 4 days! I don’t know what to do. My friends think I should call him and ask him to process the date. And now I’m going out with another guy tonight that I’m really not interested in. I don’t know what to do. What do you think?
STOP! STOP! STOP!!!!! Do NOT call him to “process” the date. I’m sorry but that is going to freak him out. Just that sentence alone makes me feel like I’m in therapy and now I’m a touch uncomfortable. Dating is a full contact sport my friend, and you have to be willing to get down and dirty. So he hasn’t called you. So what? You, my friend, are too busy being awesome to care. It was one date! Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. You must date many men, and often. And please do me one favor: do NOT date to find a mate. Men can smell this a mile a way and it will freak them out. This is the mind set you need to have going into this thing. “I am going to go out with this guy tonight and hopefully have some fun. If I don’t, who cares? If I do, bonus. If anything, maybe I’ll get a free meal out of it.” Here are some extra tips for you.
1) Meet him there. That way if the date sucks, you will have your car there and you can leave whenever you want.
2) Bring enough money to pay for your own meal. Don’t expect him to pick up the tab.
3) If he’s creepy in any way, tell him you need to use the bathroom and slip out the back door. Last thing you need is to spend a painful evening with some weirdo and take the chance he will try and walk you to your car.
I wish I could hold your hand through this process because I found myself in the exact same situation as you when I was 30. Fresh out of a 6 1/2 year relationship with no dating experience. But I chose to date like a man and not give a shit and now I’m married to one of the guys I was dating. Who knew? Good luck on your journey! I’m here if you need me.
Mrs. Diagnosed: Has experience in sarcasm, being a bad-ass, criminal tendencies, man-eating, playing stupid, looking innocent, breaking up with cheating ex’s, dating like a man, drinking, annoying people on purpose, beauty pageants, panic attacks, crazy family members, being stalked by regular people, being stalked by the mob, drugs (prescription as well as recreational), home improvement, problems with authority, and all around tomfoolery.
Madam DD: A firm believer in “Do what I say and Not as I Do,” highly qualified in accepting all “Triple-Dog-Dares,” and is a firm believer in Karma. Well versed in dirty sex-talk, unhealthy relationships, and creative punishments. Has Mafia ties and has been Paternally Biologically Misled. Has no problem with getting into trouble and providing alibis for those in need. Talk to me…
Ms. Christina: Has experience with divorce, childrearing, sarcastic teenagers, fearless, accident-prone daughters. I also spend a lot of time with my 2-year old nephew and am tortured by Elmo and Sesame Street on a daily basis. I am currently planning their demise. I am a happy optimist but if you f*^k with me I will eat your soul. Currently living in Sin City but not currently sinning. *Christina is our positive affirmations expert.
Ron: Slightly deranged with narcissistic borderline personality disorder. The sole frightened male in a dwelling with four females. Former womanizer. Experience with all forms of substance abuse, psychotic ex-girlfriends, punk rock, Grateful Dead, philosophy, politics, anti-politics, deviant sexual behavior, fist fights, Disney, and outdoor recreation. I will not answer any questions having to do with clowns or so-called “little people” as they scare me senseless.
Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: firstname.lastname@example.org