Mushrooms? At Disneyland?


Hoooooly shit! I’ve got to get out of here, I thought to myself as I tried to scramble off the moving boat on the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride at Disneyland. In retrospect, maybe taking a bunch of mushrooms and going to the “Happiest Place on Earth” wasn’t such a good idea after all. I was almost out of the boat and home free, when my much larger boyfriend Garth grabbed me by the belt and pulled me back in the boat before I was knee deep in water. “Stacy you need to chill!” he said looking me dead in the eyes. Chill? Is he out of his fucking mind? Once he lets his death grip loose even a little I’m running for the hills. Mushrooms must have given Garth the ability to read minds because just as this thought crossed my mushroom shrunken brain he pulled me closer to him and now had his entire arm securely around my waist with his left hand gripped tightly through my belt. Damn it!

Now I wasn’t a mushroom virgin at this point. In fact I had done them a number of times before, but it had always been in nature. Except for the one time I took way too many and wandered into a bar in San Francisco. While the rest of my friends had intelligent, coherent conversations, I sat in the corner smiling to myself. I by far had the best time of anyone else that night. The only problem was later I couldn’t go to sleep because every time I closed my eyes I was overwhelmed by the amount of vibrant pixies dancing through my head. Okay, pixies. Now I’m not going to lie, you are all really, truly beautiful, but it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and this fairy has a rave to go to tonight. So do you think you could keep it down long enough so I could get some sleep?

But here we were in the public once again, and not just the public, but the Disneyland public. Large, sunburned tourists in neon shirts, dragging screaming, sticky children from ride to ride. And here I was, just starting to peak surrounded by pirates who all wanted my booty. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it. There were seven of us and I had divvied out the mushrooms equally. So if I was peaking so was everyone else. I figured I would just sit back and wait for the mutiny that was bound to happen. There is no way in hell you can possibly control seven different people on mushrooms. There is bound to be a wild card. But no one moved. They all stayed seated and just let the ride continue. Wait a second…am I the wild card? Just then we went over the falls and down into a “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirates life for me.” Please end this ride. Okay pirates chasing wenches, wenches chasing pirates, we’re getting close to the end now. The ride finally ended and Garth let go of my belt. I bolted out of that boat and into the sunlight faster than you can say “hallucinations.”

“Holy shit, that was intense!” I said to my friends, all of whom had very different looks on their faces. Most good, one bad, and one a little on the paranoid side. “Come here Becky,” I said to my girlfriend who had strategically positioned herself under a tree so that no one could come up behind her.
“No.”
“Becky. Come here,” I said while trying to coax her with my finger. Had I been smarter I would have brought a small bottle of Captain Morgan’s with me. That would have gotten her over to me right away.
“I’m out of here you guys. I’m going to Tom Sawyer’s Island!” our friend Ed said, starting to freak out a little. “I can’t take it. I’m going to hang out on the island.”
“By yourself?” I asked.
“Yeah, I can’t do this,” he said.
“Stop right there, Ed. Becky. Come here.” This time she just shook her head no. Things were falling apart. Pretty soon the park was about to have paranoid mushroom freaks unleashed on it. I had to pull myself together for the team.
“Don’t let Ed out of your sight. He can’t go to Tom Sawyer’s Island by himself. That will be very, very bad!” I told my beautiful friend Cherokee. I don’t know if she heard me though, because she was currently having a giggling contest with our other friend Kelly. I waded through the crowd of loud, sticky people and retrieved my friend from under the tree. We had to get back through the crowd and back to Ed fast because he was about to blow! I was worried that he might run off on his own to Tom Sawyer Island and eventually freak out once he realized he was all alone. If I know anything about hallucinogens, it’s that it’s much better to have a guide on your trip than to trip alone, and at this point I was ready to be his personal Sherpa.
“Okay, Ed. Look at me when I say this to you, shrooming by yourself in a place like this is bad ju ju. Trust me on this one. Your trip WILL get better!” I was trying to be serious, but it was really hard to keep a straight face with what was going on just behind Ed. Becky had now joined in the giggling contest, except that it had become more of a “laughing so hard we can’t maintain balance or even breathe” contest. As the girls were doubled over, howling with laughter, fat mothers gave them dirty looks while fat fathers checked out their asses. Meanwhile Garth and Robby had ventured off to the bathroom, which was very much where I wanted to go at this point.

After Ed bought into the pack mentality and Garth and Robby were back to keep an eye on him, the four of us girls decided to go to the bathroom together. “Okay you guys, let’s try and remember: get in, get out. And no matter what you do, do NOT look in the mirror.” I had made the mirror mistake once before in a dark bathroom. After I had seen holes where my eyes and mouth were supposed to be, I swore off looking in mirrors while tripping. We all walked in and went into our different stalls and next thing I know all three of the girls are standing outside my bathroom stall knocking on the door. “Stacy, are you in there?” Cherokee called out.
“Yes,” I replied.
“What are you doing?” Cherokee asked.
“Did you look at the walls in here? They’re iridescent. They are BEAUTIFUL!” I said, as the strand of toilet paper that was hanging off the roll floated back and forth.
“You really need to come out now,” Kelly said. But I really didn’t want to. If I spent the rest of the day in that particular stall I would have been completely happy. I did eventually emerge though, and was able to avoid all mirrors on my way out.

Once we regrouped with the guys we decided to take it easy on ourselves. I mean the Pirates Of The Caribbean may have been too intense of a start. We all agreed that we needed something mellower, something that wouldn’t freak us out. So we did what any good shroomers would do. We hit up the Haunted House. Once we got inside the room where all the walls start moving it was all over. Everyone was losing their minds in fits of hysterics. Then as the lights went out to reveal the woman hanging from a noose in the ceiling, I heard a blood-curdling scream, which was so loud and so realistic that I knew it had to be Cherokee’s. That’s when I almost peed myself from laughter. As we left the room and started to make it into the carts of the veeerrrry scaaarrrry haunted house, Ed was smiling and fully pumped. “I am SO glad I didn’t go to Tom Sawyer Island. This is AWESOME!”

From there on out the day just got better and better. I don’t know how many times we went on Big Thunder Mountain Railroad before one of the park employees said, “I know what you guys are doing. Don’t worry I won’t tell.” Whatever dude. I know you’re just working here so you can buy your own drugs. We just smiled at him and decided to move on to the other rides in the park. Just in case he decided to try and shake us down in exchange for his silence.

After many hours and way too much fun the shrooms were starting to wear off and none of us were happy about it. “I’ve heard vitamin C will intensify the trip,” Garth told us. Uh..information we could have used hours ago!
“Well where the hell are we going to find some vitamin C at Disneyland?” Becky asked.
“They sell orange juice.” Robby said.
“That they do,” I added. So we proceeded to buy as much orange juice as we could get our grubby paws on. We all sat down on the ground near Space Mountain and began drinking orange juice like we were all suffering from scurvy and this was our last desperate attempt to save our own lives. But alas, we couldn’t hold on to it. It was time to say goodbye to our magic mushrooms. We enjoyed what was left of the day and left later that night.

I still laugh every time I go to Disneyland. And especially when I ride the Pirates Of The Caribbean. I haven’t done shrooms there since though. My three year old isn’t a very good Sherpa.

Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: mrsdiagnosed@yahoo.com

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