Psychotic Sunday – The Grand Wizard Of White Castle.
Every Sunday on Mrs. Diagnosed we have Psychotic Sundays, where “Mrs. Diagnosed” becomes “Miss Information.” From here on out Sundays will be dedicated to advice. Kind of like “Dear Abby,” if Abby were a drunken ex-convict with ADHD. We want you, the readers, to write in with any problems you haven’t been able to solve with alcohol and/or Oprah. The reason I say “we” is because I have put together a top-notch team of “experts” to help you with your issues. Please keep in mind we are not professional therapists.
Each one of us has written a description of ourselves. When you write in you can choose to pose your question to one of us directly, or just throw it in the pot and we’ll draw for it. Questions will then be posted on Sundays along with our answers. Our descriptions are at the bottom of the page.
And now for your reading pleasure…..
Dear Ms. Diagnosed, and/or her bitches-
Yo what’s up? Here’s the deal. I just turned 28 years old and recently made shift manager at White Castle. Cool shit right? Yeah, you would think, but it ain’t so wicked cool as you might think. You see, I put in a reward program for gettin’ the good shifts. Like – you know – blow me and you get to take off a Saturday. Straight up sex gets you day shift for a week. It all seems fair. For dudes, I only let them give me a handjob. I mean shit man, I ain’t queer or nothin’! So, these corporate slaves made me go to a fuckin’ seminar on “cultural and sexual sensitivity”. It was whack! Cool thing was that there was this hot ass Asian bitch givin’ the lectures. Not like those skanks you see when you google “hot ass Asian bitches”. She was hot! I doubt there was hair anywhere on her body. I mean I don’t know if she was Chinese, Japanese, Korean or what. Shit – they all look the same to me anyway. Know what I’m sayin’? So she tells me all kinds of lame ass shit about how I should treat other “people”. It was lame. Really? I shouldn’t make monkey noises when Barack Husain comes on TV? Shit man! What about my right to think “if you ain’t white, you ain’t right?” Seems pretty fuckin’ oppressive to me. Ok, I’m getting off track. My question is that if I break the bun steamer from fuckin’ some dumb 16 year old on the counter, can they legally take it out of my pay? I should sue those bastards?
Let me get that fucking stupid question of yours regarding the Bun Steamer out of the way…
Check with your Human Resources Manager and get a copy of the companies’ Policies and Procedures Manual. Look under the Topic “Accidentally Breaking Company Property while Banging another Employee who is Trying to score a Sweet Shift”
I believe that page has been Dog-Eared for Quick Reference.
Now…I have a few concerns…
1. For a Hummer I get to take Saturday off…what if I want the WHOLE weekend off…?
2. Since you only let dudes give you “Hand Jobs” then you are ABSOLUTELY correct, you are NOT a queer.
3. O.K. Liberace, Are you SURE that the HAIRLESS Speaker wasn’t Brazillian??
4. REALLY?!? Monkey Noises is the BEST you can do when you see Obama on the TV?!?!?!?!
5. Rewards Program, Huh? I would like to recommend you for a promotion, where do I send the letter?
Say Hi to Harold for me and Please Pull Your Car around to the First Window…
Mrs. Diagnosed: Has experience in sarcasm, being a bad-ass, criminal tendencies, man-eating, playing stupid, looking innocent, breaking up with cheating ex’s, dating like a man, drinking, annoying people on purpose, beauty pageants, panic attacks, crazy family members, being stalked by regular people, being stalked by the mob, drugs (prescription as well as recreational), home improvement, problems with authority, and all around tomfoolery.
Madam DD: A firm believer in “Do what I say and Not as I Do,” highly qualified in accepting all “Triple-Dog-Dares,” and is a firm believer in Karma. Well versed in dirty sex-talk, unhealthy relationships, and creative punishments. Has Mafia ties and has been Paternally Biologically Misled. Has no problem with getting into trouble and providing alibis for those in need. Talk to me…
Ms. Christina: Has experience with divorce, childrearing, sarcastic teenagers, fearless, accident-prone daughters. I also spend a lot of time with my 2-year old nephew and am tortured by Elmo and Sesame Street on a daily basis. I am currently planning their demise. I am a happy optimist but if you f*^k with me I will eat your soul. Currently living in Sin City but not currently sinning. *Christina is our positive affirmations expert.
Ron: Slightly deranged with narcissistic borderline personality disorder. The sole frightened male in a dwelling with four females. Former womanizer. Experience with all forms of substance abuse, psychotic ex-girlfriends, punk rock, Grateful Dead, philosophy, politics, anti-politics, deviant sexual behavior, fist fights, Disney, and outdoor recreation. I will not answer any questions having to do with clowns or so-called “little people” as they scare me senseless.
Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: firstname.lastname@example.org