I’m Going Back to Cali. Part 3.
It was day number two of our vacation and we were headed to Disneyland. Yay Disneyland! Who doesn’t like Disneyland besides Communists and those who can’t afford to pay a small fortune to get in? This was going to be way better than California Adventure I just knew it!
This time there were five of us. Poptart, my dad, my stepmon, Mini Me, and myself, five of us on our way to the “Happiest Place On Earth.” I was so excited to for Mini Me I wanted to jump up and down. I remember how magical Disneyland used to be when I was a kid and I couldn’t wait for Mini Me to feel the magic. We walked in the front gate and I could feel the energy. It was electric. I was charged. I was pumped.
“What do you want to do first?” I asked her, like a cheerleader on Prozac.
“I have to go potty.” Okay, not the climactic beginning I was looking for but I guess a tour of the woman’s restroom is as good a place to start as any other. So off to the restroom we went. Of course she didn’t want to go into the bathroom with me, she wanted to go to the bathroom with her father. Mini Me is now getting to that age where her presence in the men’s room is starting to make other men very uncomfortable. But does she care? Not one bit.
“Mini Me you have to go to the bathroom with mommy.” Poptart told her.
“NOOO! I want to go with daddy!” she cried. First thing I did was look around for my dad to make sure he wasn’t taking notes. Okay, he’s not here. The coast is clear. If you’re going to have a melt down Mini Me, now is the time to do it.
“No Mini Me you need to come with me.” I told her.
“But I want my daddy!”
“You need to go with your mother.”
“NOOOOOO!” So I took Mini Me with me into the restroom but as soon as she saw her dad go into the men’s room she made a break for it and took off into the men’s room and into the forbidden zone. A place even grown women aren’t allowed to go.
“POPTART SHE’S IN THERE WITH YOU!” I screamed into the men’s room. Which I’m sure probably gave all the men in there performance anxiety. It took about three seconds after my initial yell that I saw Poptart usher Mini Me back out of the men’s room.
“Let’s take turns,” I suggested. So I took Mini Me in with me while Poptart waited outside and then Poptart went into the men’s room while I entertained Mini Me with my best rendition of Sonny and Cher’s “I’ve got you babe.”
Finally with bladders empty we emerged from the bathroom area and back out into the park where we regrouped with my dad and stepmom. Mini Me had been asking about Nemo for two days so we decided to start off with the Finding Nemo ride. For the first time since the Finding Nemo ride has been open the line was actually pretty tame. It was about a half hour and we were on board a submarine and on our way into the depths of the ocean to see Nemo. This was going to be great! Mini Me was mesmerized. She couldn’t get enough. Suddenly the ride got pitch black, and Mini Me started to get scared. But then a solitary blue light shone just outside our submarine. As any of you who are familiar with the film can attest, the pretty blue light does not predict happy things. What Poptart did next indicates that he has not paid attention during any of the 362 times that Mini Me has forced us to watch Finding Nemo.
“Hey, sweetie! Look at the pretty blue light,” Poptart told Mini Me. So Mini me leaned in to look at the pretty blue glow, just in time for her to come face-to-face with this guy:
Oops. Mini Me’s head went right into my shoulder and I put my arm around her and tried to tell her it was going to be all right. She just sat there shaking. Her little buddy Nemo was in grave danger and Mini Me was now focused on what she was planning to wear to his funeral.
“Sweetie, look. Jelly Fish,” her dad told her as we got to the part with vibrant Jelly Fish. But she wasn’t going to fall for it again. He had led her down the wrong path before. There was no way she was falling for it a second time.
But after we got off the ride she was all smiles as though none of it had ever happened. Weirdo. Then we went off to the Autopia. My daughter’s ultimate dream. My daughter collects cars like I collect shoes. And just like me, if there is one she likes, for example Lightning McQueen, she’ll get three of them, all in different colors. She is obsessed. So the fact that she was going to have the opportunity to actually get to drive a car was going to blow her little mind.
All five of us were standing in line for Autopia and we asked Mini Me who she wanted to ride with and this time she picked daddy. When my stepmom says, “I’m hungry. How about after this ride we all go get some lunch?” Do you hate me God? Do you? Lunch? Seriously, anything but lunch. Don’t you remember what happened yesterday? Can’t we all just starve for the day? The last thing I wanted to do was get lunch. We were in line for our second ride and now we were going to go and possibly have a replay of yesterday’s Chocolate Milk battle. I was going to be smarter this time though. I was going to make sure we went to a place that had at least one of Mini Me’s favorite foods. I had seen on the map a pizza place, and Mini Me LOVES pizza. But I was pretty sure that pizza was not going to float my dad and stepmom’s boat. They would probably want a place with more options. This was like a nightmare but during the day and at the “Happiest Place on Earth” no less.
After Autopia we decided to eat at a place that had sandwiches, burgers, and a bunch of other options. Surely we could find something there. But of course it was closed. Typical. So we ventured towards Main Street and found ourselves in front of the Carnation Café. Okay Carnation Café. Show me some love, I thought to myself. We got inside and I swear my stress level hit the roof. I needed to find something that Mini Me would eat or my dad would have her taken away by CPS because I was unable to supply my daughter with anything besides Chocolate Milk.
“I want Chocolate Milk,” she informed us once we walked in the door. Of course she did.
My husband and I separated and each found something for ourselves to eat and regrouped to figure out what the hell we were going to feed Mini Me. I looked around and of course I couldn’t find Pizza or Mac and Cheese. Great. Ding Ding. Round two. The Chocolate Milk war continues. And then I saw it. Pasta with a meat sauce. Oh there is a God and she loves me right now.
We got Mini Me the pasta and Chocolate Milk because damn it, a little Chocolate Milk never killed anyone! We made our way to the table where my dad and step mom were sitting. And I started eating all the while staring across the table at my daughter who was happily eating her pasta and drinking her Chocolate Milk. *Sigh* Thank you. Life was good. Everyone was happy. And that’s when I noticed the kid to my right eating carrots. You little shit. Stop eating those carrots. You’re making my kid look bad.
We made it through lunch without any drama and for the most part Mini Me ate a good portion of her food. And besides flirting with herself in the mirror located directly behind her head, she was a perfect little angel.
After lunch we went to The Alice In Wonderland ride, which she enjoyed very much until the Red Queen threatened to chop her head off. Then the spinning cups, which she and daddy loved. Me? Not so much. When that ride was over I wanted to take odds on who would vomit first: me or the 60 something year old woman who was in the purple spinning cup to my left. We also did the boat through Story Land. Boooooring. We eventually moved on to It’s A Small World and Toon Town. Holy crap. If you ever want to know what a psychotic break feels like, take a ride on Small World. Fifteen minutes of creepy puppets singing “It’s a Small World.” Over. And over. And over. Of course, Mini Me loved it. But Toon Town? Oh, Toon Town. Where do I begin?
How about at the beginning of the Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin? This is not a small child friendly ride. First off they have the line of this ride set up in such a way that when you peek in the door of the building it looks like it’s the shortest line in the whole park. It’s very deceptive. Once you get into their “line of lies” they wind you through the building in a never-ending maze. My poor dad who has a bad back and bad knees and bad, well pretty much everything, was given the great honor of holding the red card. What is the red card you ask? Well it’s apparently the card that some poor sucker gets to hold as they go through the line so that the park can figure out how long it’s going to take you to get from the beginning to the end of the line. I can tell you the answer. Forty-five minutes. It took us forty-five f***ing minutes to wind through tunnel after tunnel with no hope of escape only to end up right back at the beginning where we stuck our head in to begin with. This was by far the most diabolical line I have ever seen at Disneyland. I have heard Disneyland has some dark forces working for it and I’m pretty sure they focused all their dark powers on creating this very line.
We got to the front and once again asked Mini me who she wanted to ride with. This time she said “Mommy.” In retrospect, it should have been “Daddy,” because it was his idea to go on this hellacious ride in the first place. So she and I ended up in our own cab and next thing I knew we were launched into a dark world where everything is glowing by black light. Maniacal weasels were hitting each other over the head with large mallets. Roger Rabbit kept popping out of trashcans at every turn, laughing that irritating laugh of his. It was like a mushroom trip gone very very wrong. Mini me dove into my lap and began sobbing with fear. All I could do was hold her and tell her it wasn’t real. Mini Me this isn’t real. The mushrooms WILL wear off, just ride it out. I promise it’s all in your imagination. But I couldn’t stop the ride. The car was spinning around and around and poor Mini Me was having flashbacks of her birth and there were bottles filled with formula spinning in her head.
The ride eventually stopped and once the safety bar clicked open I grabbed her and ran outside with her in my arms and her crying the whole way. I just needed to get her outdoors into the sunlight and I was sure she would be okay. At this point I could see Poptart rushing out of the building behind us with a sick look on his face. He told me once the ride began he knew she was going to be scared. Poor Mini me was inconsolable for a little while but after a little lemon freeze and another carousel ride she was able to get her heart rate back to normal and the mushrooms finally got out of her system.
We all had a really good day. Besides giving our daughter nightmares for the next nine months of her young life, I think she really enjoyed it. And to top it all off we got to ride back to the Buzz Light Year parking lot on the big blue Toy Story bus. She was a happy camper, and to her I think it may have actually been the “Happiest Place on Earth,” as long as the Red Queen didn’t chop her head off.
To be continued…