Revenge is a dish best served cold.
For those of you who may not know, The Dating Game was a TV show which was really popular in the 1960’s and early 1970’s. Let’s go to Wikipedia for the recap: “Typically, a bachelorette would question three bachelors, who were hidden from her view; at the end of the questioning period, she would choose one to go out with on a date paid for by the show. Occasionally, the roles would be reversed with a man questioning three ladies.”
Thanks, Wiki. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Being the extrovert I am, I decided it would be fun to sign up when San Diego State held its own version of The Dating Game. I signed up, hoping that I would be the one answering the questions. I know that asking the questions should be the better of the two options, but that be assuming that I went into this experience with the hopes of landing a man. Nah. Mainly, I was just trying to entertain myself. If I had to ask the questions, that would seriously limit my smart-ass potential, and I would actually have to go on the date. What if I made a poor choice of bachelors? On the other hand, if I was the one answering the questions I wouldn’t necessarily have to go on a date and I would still have a good time. Luck wasn’t with me, though, as it turned out that I would be the interviewer instead of Bachelorette #1.
The SDSU Dating Game was set up in a large auditorium and I was shocked at how many people actually showed up for this thing. The stage itself was made to look exactly like the one from the TV show and was rather impressive. It was a little nerve racking. Did I make a bad decision here?
“And let’s meet our bachelorette,” announced Joshua the host of the show. “Joshuuaahh.” Not “Josh.” What ever you do, don’t call him Josh. He doesn’t like that. He made sure to let me know backstage.
“Her name is Stacy, and she’s from Big Bear, California. She is a theater major and her hobbies include skiing, swimming, dancing, and one armed pizza tossing.” Yay, Me! I came out and waved at the crowd, which included most of “Team Trouble” from the dorms. We were a small but dangerous group of girls who liked to cause havoc wherever we went, and on this night, the team was led by my roommate, Satan.
“Now let’s meet our eligible bachelors,” Joshua announced in his perfect smarmy game-show host voice. “Bachelor #1 is from Glendale, CA. He is a history major and his hobbies include chess, weight lifting, and golf. Bachelor #2 is an Economics major and his hobbies include skiing, surfing, skipping, and diving for pennies. Bachelor # 3 is a Business major and his hobbies include rollerblading, and hanging out with friends.”
Now that the contestants were safely on the other side of the partition where I couldn’t see them, all I had were their answers to guide me to my perfect match. So I started asking the questions I had prepared ahead of time.
“Bachelor # 1. If you could be any animal what kind of animal would you be, and why?” I asked.
“I would be a kitten. So I could curl up next to you and keep you warm.” He replied. There was an overwhelming “awwww” coming from all the girls in the audience. Cheeseball, I thought.
“Bachelor # 2, same question.” I said.
“I would be a squirrel. That way I could show you how much I love you by trusting you with my nuts.” As I looked out into the audience the auditorium fell silent and most of the audience had their mouths hanging open. I, on the other hand, started laughing so hard I snorted. Bachelor #2 takes an early lead.
“Bachelor # 3,” I giggled, “An elderly person comes up to you and kicks you in the shin, what do you do?” I asked.
“ I…uh…I…I don’t do anything. I assume they are having a bad day and try to make it better with a smile.” He responds. Boring.
“Bachelor # 2, same question.”
“I kick them back. Just because their old doesn’t mean they can treat me that way. Then after I kick them I take their wallet so I can take you out for a nice dinner at Mc Donald’s because I want to treat you like the queen you are.”
“Bachelor #1. If you were a Tootsie Roll tootsie pop, how many licks would it take to get to your center?” I asked him.
“Exactly 18 licks from your beautiful tongue,” Bachelor # 1 responded. Yawn…
“Bachelor #2, same question.”
“None. Bite me,” Bachelor #2 said. I really like this guy.
“Bachelor # 3. Same question,”
“Once you put your lips on me my candy shell will just fall off,” he replied. Okay, nice recovery. I ended up asking a couple more questions but I had pretty much already made up my mind.
As far as I’m concerned, looks are nice, but personality is gold. I’ve dated some very beautiful men in my life, but without a sense of humor, they never lasted long. I’m very attracted to a man that can make me laugh, and I was pretty sure that Bachelor #2 was my guy. In fact, I didn’t really care what he looked like. As long as he wasn’t the inspiration for The Elephant Man, I was confident that Bachelor #2 was going to be a perfect match. Joshuuaahh called our show to a close and told me it was time to pick a Bachelor. I looked out into the audience and the crowd was yelling numbers at me.
“Number One! Pick Number One!” Some people yelled.
“No pick Number Three!” Others screamed.
“Two! Two! Pick Number Two!” I heard from some others.
I looked out into the crowd and there was “Team Trouble” along with Satan. All of them had conflicting numbers. Some picked #2. Some #1. But Satan was adamant about #3. She turned to them and started talking to them and somehow convinced them that #3 was for me. Maybe #2 was the Elephant Man after all and they were trying to save me from a fate worse than death. Thank you, Satan, for always looking out of me.
“Well Stacy, who is the lucky bachelor who is going to win the date?” Joshua asked me. Now Satan was jumping up and down in a spastic manner while holding up her hand with three fingers in the air and yelling, “NUMBER 3!” So I followed my all-loving, all-trusting roommate and picked Bachelor Number Three. I couldn’t wait to meet the little morsel they had picked out for me. I just loved my homies.
“Now meet the Bachelors you didn’t pick,” Joshua said. “Bachelor #1’s name is Stephen. He is a ….” Blah, blah, blah. Stephen came around the corner and he was cute but didn’t curl my toes. He also didn’t have much personality, so I wasn’t sorry to see Stephen go. I gave him the customary hug and got ready to meet the bachelor I passed up on.
“The other Bachelor you didn’t pick is Bachelor #2. His name is Chad and he is -” FUCKING DREAMY!! Oh my God! When Chad walked around the corner I could see why he was so funny and cocky. It was because he COULD be. He was beautiful. He was tall, tan, and had sandy brown hair with sun streaks you only get from spending a lot of time on the beach. We locked eyes and when I saw his green eyes looking back at me I knew I had made a huge mistake. He gave me a hug and I hugged him back but unlike with Bachelor #1, I held on to Chad. I actually held on to Chad to the point of discomfort. “Umm…Stacy?” Joshua started. “Why don’t we meet the bachelor you DID pick?”
I eventually let go of Chad and prepared myself for what I can only guess what must be a young Sam Elliott or I was going to have to kill Satan.
“His name is Daniel and he is….”
No. Let me finish this part for Joshuuaahh. Daniel was short, scrawny, not funny, pale, and pimply. I hate Satan. I gave my new “dream” man a hug and looked out over his shoulder to find Satan bent over in hysterics. After nearly 20 years and a good deal of therapy, I can admit that it was a funny joke, but I NEVER would have done it to her. I wanted to run off the stage and find Chad so I could get his number but I had to stay with my date so we could do the traditional Dating Game kiss to the audience.
I kept my end of the dating bargain and did go on the date with Daniel. Who knows, I thought, maybe he’s actually really funny but was just really nervous. We ended up going to some tropical themed restaurant near campus and I ordered a fruity alcoholic drink that came in a large Buddha glass. The glass had a straw in it that stuck right through Buddha’s belly. Poor Buddha. What did he ever do to you people? Daniel and I made small talk and I found out that Daniel’s Dating Game personality couldn’t be chalked up to nerves after all. It was 100% real. He wasn’t funny. He had no sense of humor at all, actually. Also, Daniel’s rollerblading “hobby” was not a hobby. It was more of an obsession. He told me how he and his friends get together on campus and rollerbladed around together like a really lame gang that was begging to get their asses kicked.
And that’s when Daniel surprised me.
“Did you know that Serial killer Rodney Alcala won “The Dating Game” just before going on a murder spree?” Daniel informed me.
“No…I did not know that,” I told him, carefully measuring my words. What is it with me? I am a fricking psycho-magnet. If there is a weirdo in a 20-mile radius they will sniff me out.
“Yeah, he appeared on the Dating Game in 1978 — and was later found guilty of the murders of four women and a child,” Daniel continued enthusiastically.
“May I have another Buddha?” I asked the waitress as she came by. I now had to seriously consider if I was going to let Daniel drive me home or if I was going to guilt Satan into coming to pick me up. Our food showed up and Daniel must have turned on this normal switch because he went back to being boring and we mostly ate in silence and just smiled at each other awkwardly.
The date finally ended and Daniel drove me back to the dorms. I knew I should have taken my own car. As soon as we reached campus our date ended faster then Britney’s first marriage.
“Bye, thanks,” I said in a jog on my way back to my dorm room.
“Yeah, I’ll talk to you later,” he said running the opposite way. At least the Dating Game paid for the date and our night of torture didn’t have to come out of our pockets. Except for the cocktails. SDSU didn’t pay for those and neither did Daniel. Apparently he was into women’s equality as well. Awesome.
I looked all over campus and never saw Chad again. SDSU is a huge campus and my chances of finding him were very, very slim. I did however see Daniel again. Satan and I were walking to campus when we spotted Daniel and his rollerblading gang. They had their helmets and pads on and were about to jump some stairs. It looked pretty extreme, considering there were two whole steps to conquer. Sigh. He waved at me and I waved at him and that’s when Satan said, “Hey, isn’t that your boyfriend?” Nice.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, and the temperature was getting just right with Satan. That weekend we were all at a party off campus when I ran into Randy, a guy that Satan had a huge crush on. She had had the same boyfriend for years, but she had her little crushes here and there. Well, Randy was this week’s crush. Cute, but not really my type, which was good. I was looking for revenge, not a boyfriend. I got Randy in the living room and mauled him. Nothing crazy, because we weren’t alone in the living room. But this was also part of the plan. The more witnesses, the better. I made out with Randy long enough for Satan to see us. When she walked into the living room, her jaw hit the floor. I kissed Randy goodnight, and as I walked out past Satan I whispered, “No, THAT’S my boyfriend.”
Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: email@example.com