The Call Is Coming From Inside The House!


“Just tell your mom it’s only going to be you, me, and Ana spending the night at my house,” my girlfriend Michelle told me over the phone.
“My mom is going to freak out if she even smells a party,” I told her.
“Stacy, how is she even going to know? Have her drop you off at like 3:00 so you can help Ana and I get ready,” Michelle told me.
“Okay,” I said. Michelle’s parents were out of town and we were going to throw a party at her house. This was going to be a HUGE party and would put us on the high school map. We were only freshmen and for us to throw a party of this caliber was a big deal. I needed this party. But on the other hand, lying to my mom could cost me my life. My mom and I had a deal that I was allowed to do pretty much anything I wanted as long as I always told her the truth and was home before curfew. And NO DRINKING! I was about to break all the rules and I had to decide if it was going to be worth it.

“I’m just going to spend the night at Michelle’s,” I told my mom.
“Are her parents going to be there?” she asked. What the hell? Did she hear about the party or something? In the three years I’d known Michelle, my mom had never once asked if her parents were going to be home when I spent the night.
“Yeeeeeah,” I told her.
“Look me in the eyes and say that,” she said.
Oh God. Not the old “look me in the eyes” trick. I’m the worst possible liar on the planet. If I look her in the eyes I’m dead for sure. My mom had eyes like a cat and could smell bullshit like a dog. Okay, Stacy you can do this. Just keep your breath steady and look her square in the eyes. If you look away for even one second, you’re dead. Your high school future depends on this. You must go to this party! I walked over to the couch my mom was sitting on, sat down next to her and looked her straight in the eyes.
“Mom, I’m just spending the night. And her parents are going to be there.”
“Okay. If you tell me that’s what’s happening, then that’s what’s happening,” she said. Oh, thank God that’s over.
“…I trust you,” she added.
Now why the hell did she have to add that? Anything but that. Sure I could have buckled right there but I didn’t, I had a party to go to and a new sophomore boyfriend who was going to be there. There was no way I was backing out now.

It was the afternoon of the party and all I had to do was hold it together long enough for my mom to drop me off at Michelle’s house. Once I was dropped off I could breathe freely again. My mom was on her game though and must’ve smelled something in the air, because she drilled me the whole way over to Michelle’s. What were our plans for the evening, what time did she need to pick me up the next day, and who else was coming over. You would have thought I was a secret agent trying to leave the country with classified documents. This woman didn’t need to work for the phone company; she needed to work for the government. I stuck to my story making sure I didn’t vary in the details even one tiny bit. We finally made it to Michelle’s house just before my head exploded from the massive interrogation my mom was putting me through and Michelle ran out and met us in the driveway. There she was, all 4’9 of her with her halo on.
“Hello Mom. It’s so nice to see you,” she said to my mom. All my friends called my mother “Mom.”
“My parents are out getting us some pizza for dinner and some age appropriate movies. We will be going to bed at 10:30 sharp and will make sure to not only brush our teeth, but to floss as well. You can pick Stacy up tomorrow after morning prayer.”
Jeez, she was laying it on thick. Who the hell is this girl? She’s going to get us busted for sure.
“Uh huh,” my mom said while giving Michelle the squinty “I can see right through you” eyes.
“Okay girls, stay out of trouble,” my mom said looking right at me. I knew she knew something was up. Why she let me stay I still have no idea.

Michelle and I went into the house and there was a ton of booze there.
“Where did you get all this?” I asked her.
“Some of it’s my parents’ and some of it Ana was able to get,” Michelle said proudly.
I looked over at Ana and she had a huge shit-eating grin on her face. This was really going to go down. I still had a chance to bail out, but did I? Not on your life! There we were, two amazons and one midget about to embark on the single greatest adventure of our young lives.
“Who wants a drink?” Michelle asked.
“I’ll take a beer,” I told her. And BAM there it was, a frosty cold beer. It was not only a beer but also a right of passage. We turned on Wham and blasted the stereo and the three of us danced our hearts out until our guests arrived. And boy did they arrive.
“Who are some of these people?” I asked Michelle.
“I have no idea,” she responded, her eyes full of terror as we looked off her second floor balcony to the street below. Car after car of people were walking up the hill straight to Michelle’s house. And this was only the backside of the house. There were many more cars with many more people coming in the front door.
“OH MY GOD! What did we do?” Michelle said.
“I don’t know…” I told her, my mouth hanging open.

We should have stopped the party right then and there but how could we? We had seniors. Seniors! And also some of the hottest guys in the school. We were powerless. It was either jump in or stand back and worry. So we jumped in. My new boyfriend Jason showed up and I spent a good portion of the night flirting and kissing him while Ana and Michelle had their hands busy with boys as well. I was downstairs in Michelle’s parent’s huge TV room with Jason and about 20 of my new best friends when Michelle grabbed me by the arm and pulled me away from him.
“What are you doing? I was just giving him my sexy stare!” I told her. I had been working on this stare in the mirror for the last 3 months and she ruined it.
“Stacy! There are streamers in my dad’s fish tank!” I turned around and sure enough there they were. Bright red streamers, floating in her dad’s huge, beautiful fish tank. To make it worse, the prize fish were eating the streamers. This was not good.
“If they die, I die!” Michelle told me in a state of panic.
“Don’t freak out!” I told her while grabbing her shoulders and looking her dead in the eyes. “We will get the streamers out.”
I grabbed a chair and went over to the fish tank, I stood on top of the chair and Michelle handed me the giant fish net. I fished out as many streamers as I could, along with two beer cans, and got the rest of the streamers out with my hands. I even managed to pull a streamer out of a fish’s mouth, and when I did you could see it go back in through his gills and out his mouth. Hopefully none of them were going to die.

No sooner had we avoided that disaster when we heard a huge crash from upstairs. We ran upstairs to find one of her mom’s crystal vases in a million lovely shards on the floor. “It’s getting too big you guys, the party is too big,” Michelle told Ana and I.
She was right. This party was getting out of control. More and more people kept showing up.
“I don’t even think that guy is in high school,” Ana said, pointing at a guy with an “I’m a Veteran” patch on his jacket.
“How are we going to get these people out of my house?” Michelle asked. We all just stood there for a minute.
“I know this is going to sound crazy, but we should call the cops on ourselves.” I said. They both looked at me like I had just told them I was a lesbian and was in love with both of them.
“Are you fucking serious?” Ana said, “We can’t do that!”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because Stacy, we are underage and have a ton of alcohol!” Ana told me.
“Okay, but I don’t know how we are going to get these people out of here.” I said. All three of us were upstairs in the kitchen having this conversation when a good portion of the football team came through the front door.
“Think about it,” I told both of them as I went back to the party.

About an hour and three beers later I was primping in the downstairs bathroom when I heard a gurgling sound to my right. Just then a ton of water started coming up through the drain in the shower. The pressure was so strong it separated the drain from the floor of the shower.
“Is that a tampon?” I said out loud.
It kept coming, and it didn’t take long for the water to start pouring over the edges of the shower and onto the carpet.
“HOLY SHIT!” I yelled as I ran out of the bathroom and went to find Michelle. I found her making out with her boyfriend on the back patio.
“Michelle, your bathroom is flooding!” I told her.
“No, it isn’t,” she said, as if saying it would make it true. But words weren’t going to stop the seepage that was threatening to take over her bathroom. We both ran inside and pushed our way through the crowd that had gathered at the bathroom door to watch Big Bear’s very own version of Old Faithful.
Some bonehead with a Flock of Seagulls haircut was high-fiving his buddies. “This party is sooo rad!” he screamed.
Michelle and I just stood there with our mouths hanging open; the things that were coming out of her drain were mind-boggling.
“Is that a condom?” she asked me.
“I think it is,” I told her. “And that looks like some sort of food product,” I said, pointing at something that may have once been a piece of pizza. The parade continued, as we watched a Dixie cup, a ring pop, and some band aids float by. Michelle turned to me with the face of someone waiting to stand in front of a firing squad.
“Make the call,” she said.
“I’m on it,” I told her.

I ran upstairs to her parent’s room hoping to make the call from a private location. Not so much. I busted in on the couple who most likely were the proud owners of the condom downstairs.
“Is that weed I smell?” I asked them.
“Yeah, you want some?” the non-virgin girl with the glossy eyes asked me. I had to think about it for a minute. Weed. Phone call. Weed. Phone call. Weed… No. Phone call. I kicked the lovers out of the bedroom and dialed 911.
“This is the 911 operator what is your emergency?”
“Um…yeah, we threw a party and it’s gotten out of hand and we wanted to know if you could come and break it up?” I told her.
“What is the address?” she asked. At this point Ana’s words just kept playing over and over in my mind, “we are underage and have a ton of alcohol.” I was temped to chicken out and give her the wrong address but before I knew it I blurted out.
“1329 Pinecrest Drive.”
“Officers should be in your area in the next 10 minutes,” she informed me.

When the cops showed up, the three of us were holed up in Michelle’s room. We knew the cops were there because the house became really quiet, then really loud as our guests scattered like cockroaches do when you turn on the lights. Even the Veteran guy hobbled out at light speed. As the three of us sat on Michelle’s bed we heard authoritative footprints sloshing through the water, which had now begun to seep into Michelle’s room and the TV room.
“Whose house is this?” Cop #1 asked.
“It’s mine,” Michelle fessed up.”
“Where are your parents?” Cop # 2 asked while flashing his flashlight in our eyes. Really? A flashlight? All the lights were on in the house. I know you’re trying to scare us, but if you really want to scare us tell us we are going to be pimply and unpopular. “They are out of town for the weekend and won’t be home until Monday,” Michelle told them. The police kicked the rest of the partygoers out, but let Ana and I stay because we were spending the night.

We cleaned Michelle’s house as best as we could but the entire downstairs was ruined. Her parents ended up having to pull up all the carpet and replace it. My mom found out while shopping at the grocery store. That’s the curse of a small town. You can’t get away with anything. The only one who wasn’t grounded for life was Ana. Somehow her parents never found out. They either lived in a bubble or just didn’t care about the party. “We’ll just have to do it at your house the next time your mom goes to visit your aunt,” Michelle told me.
“Yeah. ‘Cuz it worked out so well for you,” I scoffed.
As I write this, I’m still grounded for taking part in Michelle’s party, and my mother passed away 9 years ago. If I had tried to throw my own party at my mom’s house, she’d bury me where nobody could find me. I may be crazy, but I’m not stupid.

Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: mrsdiagnosed@yahoo.com

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2 Responses to “The Call Is Coming From Inside The House!”

  1. Melissa Says:

    Ok, so how big of a loser was I? Not only was I not invited, I didn’t even hear about it until 25 years later.

    • LOL!!! I’m sure all you had to do was follow the line of cars driving through town and you would have found us just fine. And Melissa we would have welcomed you with open arms, streamers and ring pops.

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