Psychotic Sunday’s-Working with a Dumbass
Every Sunday on Mrs. Diagnosed we have Psychotic Sundays, where “Mrs. Diagnosed” becomes “Miss Information.” From here on out Sundays will be dedicated to advice. Kind of like “Dear Abby,” if Abby were a drunken ex-convict with ADHD. We want you, the readers, to write in with any problems you haven’t been able to solve with alcohol and/or Oprah. The reason I say “we” is because I have put together a top-notch team of “experts” to help you with your issues. Please keep in mind we are not professional therapists.
Each one of us has written a description of ourselves. When you write in you can choose to pose your question to one of us directly, or just throw it in the pot and we’ll draw for it. Questions will then be posted on Sundays along with our answers. Our descriptions are at the bottom of the page.
And now for your reading pleasure…..
I have just recently gotten in trouble at work for being too efficient. See I put too much pressure on the dumb ass that sits next to me to do a good job. She complained to my Boss and we got called into the Boss’s office. Apparently working hard and being organized is a liability in our department. If you want to succeed in my company you have to be either be continuously absent or give mediocre work effort. Even though she has worked there almost a year longer then me and should know how to do everything. She is constantly asking for help. She cant remember anything and loses paper work at least three times a week. Basically I dance circles around her at work. She is a nice enough person and brings gifts (from Goodwill) for everyone in our department except me. They (dumbass and Boss) have decided as a favor to me they would divide up the work load giving me six departments to over see and dumbass will have 3 departments. This was explained to be a favor because if I have more to do so efficiently I might not notice how mediocre dumbass’s work is. And will be busy enough to maybe not notice that she takes more time and energy water the plants then doing the her work. I have never been able to be a fake person and I can NOT pretend to like people I dont like! So help how do I handle this and keep a good “team work” attitude when all I really want to do is spike her drink with draino?????
Thanks for any help!
First off, I am disgusted that you would even consider spiking Dumbass’ coffee with Drano! SHAME ON YOUR ASS!
Drano smells awful and is easily detected. Instead, bake her some Chocolate Chip cookies using Extra Strength Laxatives…That will get her moving around the office!
Also, when Dumbass asks you questions, give her bogus answers…When she blames YOU…Do what any red-blooded American would do and DENY! DENY! DENY!
You said it yourself, the only way to succeed in that company is to be “continuously absent and produce mediocre work effort”
Well, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR SILLY GIRL?
Take Longer Lunches, Wear Shorter Skirts and apply that lip-gloss every 20 minutes while Clients wait on hold and PLEASE OH PLEASE, don’t forget to pop your gum while chewing with your mouth open and take as many cigarette breaks as you can. PUFF Away Little Office Angel…
Lastly, Would it KILL you to Bang the Boss every once in a while?!? It’s time to take one for the team, Sister, so grab your ankles cuz’ the Boss is driving tonight! Once you realize that this is the only RAISE you will get, then maybe you will get your shit together and start your own company…
Hire Dumbass…then FIRE THE BITCH!
God Bless our Great Nation.
Madame DD =)
Mrs. Diagnosed: Has experience in sarcasm, being a bad-ass, criminal tendencies, man-eating, playing stupid, looking innocent, breaking up with cheating ex’s, dating like a man, drinking, annoying people on purpose, beauty pageants, panic attacks, crazy family members, being stalked by regular people, being stalked by the mob, drugs (prescription as well as recreational), home improvement, problems with authority, and all around tomfoolery.
Madam DD: A firm believer in “Do what I say and Not as I Do,” highly qualified in accepting all “Triple-Dog-Dares,” and is a firm believer in Karma. Well versed in dirty sex-talk, unhealthy relationships, and creative punishments. Has Mafia ties and has been Paternally Biologically Misled. Has no problem with getting into trouble and providing alibis for those in need. Talk to me…
Ms. Christina: Has experience with divorce, childrearing, sarcastic teenagers, fearless, accident-prone daughters. I also spend a lot of time with my 2-year old nephew and am tortured by Elmo and Sesame Street on a daily basis. I am currently planning their demise. I am a happy optimist but if you f*^k with me I will eat your soul. Currently living in Sin City but not currently sinning. *Christina is our positive affirmations expert.
Ron: Slightly deranged with narcissistic borderline personality disorder. The sole frightened male in a dwelling with four females. Former womanizer. Experience with all forms of substance abuse, psychotic ex-girlfriends, punk rock, Grateful Dead, philosophy, politics, anti-politics, deviant sexual behavior, fist fights, Disney, and outdoor recreation. I will not answer any questions having to do with clowns or so-called “little people” as they scare me senseless.
Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: email@example.com