Every Sunday on Mrs. Diagnosed we have Psychotic Sundays, where “Mrs. Diagnosed” becomes “Miss Information.” From here on out Sundays will be dedicated to advice. Kind of like “Dear Abby,” if Abby were a drunken ex-convict with ADHD. We want you, the readers, to write in with any problems you haven’t been able to solve with alcohol and/or Oprah. The reason I say “we” is because I have put together a top-notch team of “experts” to help you with your issues. Please keep in mind we are not professional therapists.
Each one of us has written a description of ourselves. When you write in you can choose to pose your question to one of us directly, or just throw it in the pot and we’ll draw for it. Questions will then be posted on Sundays along with our answers. Our descriptions are at the bottom of the page.
And now for your reading pleasure…..
Dear Mrs. Diagnosed,
Someone I work with is a fan of yours and suggested I email one of your guru’s for some advice. She said it is probably not going to help but it will make me laugh and after the last month, I need a good laugh so this message is for you.
I have read your blog about your in-laws and am hoping you can help.
After being married for the last 4 years to the most wonderful man in the world I got pregnant. We were ready to finally start out family and we were both so very excited. This is our first child and we had been in our new home for about 18 months now so we were ready. Now my husband and I are both in our early 30’s. My mother is so very excited that we waited but my mother in law is giving us grief. She feels that we are too old to start a family. I know have you ever heard of such a thing? Anyway, just because she started her family at 18 doesn’t mean 33 is a bad age. My husband is one of 5 so now I get comments about how this will be our only child since we started late etc etc. Ok, whatever. They are hundreds of miles away so what do I care.
Last month my husband came home and said he had some news and that I had better sit down. Ok, his parents are moving to town- ok, I can handle dealing with then every once in awhile holidays and the occasional weekend dinner. It gets worse- they have purchased the house 3 doors down. HOLY CRAP! Now I am 5 months pregnant and they are moving out here in time for the baby to be born and they want to help and my mother in law is planning on spending every waking moment with me. Ok, I need my paper bag, I am hyper ventilating just writing this- any words of wisdom? By the way, my husband, I love him dearly, will not talk to them; he becomes a small child and curls up in a fetal position when I mention his mother.
Hormonal and Homicidal
Dear Hormonal and Homicidal,
There are seriously so many things I could suggest to you.
1) You can dig a moat around your house and fill it with piranha. Forget the bridge. You will need to work from home, as there will be no way in or out. Don’t worry about food. You can have it dropped in by helicopter.
2) You can abduct your in-laws and sell them for parts on the black market. You would be amazed at how much you can get for a good kidney.
3) Burn their new home to the ground. But don’t do it yourself. Last thing you need is to go to jail right now. Get one of the neighborhood kids. One around the age of 10. $50 bucks ought to do it. If he later points the finger at you, offer a 12-year-old $70 bucks to make sure he never speaks again. But if all else fails…
4) Plant large quantities of cocaine in your in-laws’ home. Make an anonymous tip to the Po Po that you have seen some suspicious behavior and believe the house to be a drug/sex ring. It would helpful if you could somehow get your father in-law in his underwear holding a shotgun before the cops got there. Also call the girl scouts ahead of time and tell them your father in-law needs them to come over right away. He doesn’t intend to buy SOME cookies. He intends to buy ALL the cookies.
Okay, I hope that gave you a good laugh because you, my pregnant friend, need one.
First off. Thank you for reading my blog. I hope the stories of my in-laws can help you with yours. You are NOT alone! My in-laws can be overbearing at times. My mother-in-law even went as far as registering some wedding items for me. She apparently knew what I needed more than I did. I returned all the items and bought an outdoor grill for my husband.
Trust me, there are a ton of stories I could tell you and a ton I’m sure my readers could tell you as well. One I will share however is when my mother-in-law wanted to come stay with us after my daughter was born. I lost my mother 8 years ago. Seriously, I put her down and now I can’t find her anywhere. ANYHOW, because my mother was gone my mother-in-law thought she should be the one to walk me through it. I said NO. The reason I capitalized “NO” is because that is the word you are going to have to use on a regular basis. With authority. This will not stop the in-laws but it may tame them a bit.
I must tell you, I am so very happy for you and your husband on your impending arrival. This is a very special time. But remember this is YOUR very special time. You are 5 months pregnant and the last thing you need is any more stress in your life. So first and foremost, you need to set up firm boundaries. There will, under no circumstances, be any “pop-ins.” Period. Remember: in-laws are like vampires. They should only be allowed in if they are invited. The pop-in is rude and it puts you in a bad position. The in-laws must not only call before they can come over but they must at least give you a two-hour notice. In which case you and your Poptart will decide TOGETHER if this is good for you. If it is not a good time, you will say, “Thank you, we appreciate all your wonderful help. However tonight we are having a little alone time. Could we have a rain check?”
Secondly, you are going to need your husband to back your play. So uncurl him from his fetal position and remind him that YOU are now the #1 woman in his life, and that his mother needs to take a back seat. Yes, he is still her son. But more importantly, he is your husband and your child’s father. He has his own family now, and he needs to put that family above all else.
Believe me, I know of which I speak. My Poptart had to have the same “come to Jesus” revelation before he was able to stand up to his own parents. It doesn’t come overnight, but you and your husband have to be a united front on this. He has to back you on your needs because if you try to put your foot down and you don’t get his support, you may end up resenting him down the road for leaving you to suffer alone. Understand that it won’t be easy for him to take a stand. He sounds like a devoted son who doesn’t want to upset his parents. But it’s really in his best interests to tackle this sooner than later. I’d rather tangle with a guilt-wielding mother than a hormonal pregnant woman any day of the week.
Finally, your mother-in-law bitching about your age is not going to make you any friggin younger and it’s not helping anyone. For one thing, if she is going to be hovering over you every time you do pop one out, you’ll be less likely to breed again. And another thing: It’s the year 20-freaking-10! We have phones that don’t need to be plugged into the walls. We no longer use leeches to cure the common cold. We have funny boxes on our desks that magically send messages through the air. And women are having healthy babies well into their 40’s. I had Mini-Me at 36. My sister-in-law is 40 and just had her third, a beautiful baby girl. All three of her kids are under the age of 4. You can keep cranking out the little poopers for as long as you want, because you are a baby making, in-law eating machine!!!
Now get out there! Buy some cocaine. Get some girl scouts and make them wish they had never moved three houses down. Oh, and P.S. Take advantage of the free babysitting. Now that you’re about to be a parent, sex is going to be hard to come by. And if you ever need a pep talk, I’m always here for you.
Your friend in chaos,
Please send questions to me at email@example.com, and let me know which of the following crackpots you choose to be your moral Sherpa.
Mrs. Diagnosed: Has experience in sarcasm, being a bad-ass, criminal tendencies, man-eating, playing stupid, looking innocent, breaking up with cheating ex’s, dating like a man, drinking, annoying people on purpose, beauty pageants, panic attacks, crazy family members, being stalked by regular people, being stalked by the mob, drugs (prescription as well as recreational), home improvement, problems with authority, and all around tomfoolery.
Madam DD: A firm believer in “Do what I say and Not as I Do,” highly qualified in accepting all “Triple-Dog-Dares,” and is a firm believer in Karma. Well versed in dirty sex-talk, unhealthy relationships, and creative punishments. Has Mafia ties and has been Paternally Biologically Misled. Has no problem with getting into trouble and providing alibis for those in need. I have also been known to cause complete and total marital chaos. Talk to me…
Ms. Christina: Has experience with divorce, childrearing, sarcastic teenagers, fearless, accident-prone daughters. I also spend a lot of time with my 2-year old nephew and am tortured by Elmo and Sesame Street on a daily basis. I am currently planning their demise. I am a happy optimist but if you f*^k with me I will eat your soul. Currently living in Sin City but not currently sinning. *Christina is our positive affirmations expert.
Ron: Slightly deranged with narcissistic borderline personality disorder. The sole frightened male in a dwelling with four females. Former womanizer. Experience with all forms of substance abuse, psychotic ex-girlfriends, punk rock, Grateful Dead, philosophy, politics, anti-politics, deviant sexual behavior, fist fights, Disney, and outdoor recreation. I will not answer any questions having to do with clowns or so-called “little people” as they scare me senseless.
Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: firstname.lastname@example.org