Every Sunday on Mrs. Diagnosed we have Psychotic Sundays, where “Mrs. Diagnosed” becomes “Miss Information.” From here on out Sundays will be dedicated to advice. Kind of like “Dear Abby,” if Abby were a drunken ex-convict with ADHD. We want you, the readers, to write in with any problems you haven’t been able to solve with alcohol and/or Oprah. The reason I say “we” is because I have put together a top-notch team of “experts” to help you with your issues. Please keep in mind we are not professional therapists.
Each one of us has written a description of ourselves. When you write in you can choose to pose your question to one of us directly, or just throw it in the pot and we’ll draw for it. Questions will then be posted on Sundays along with our answers. Our descriptions are at the bottom of the page.
And now for your reading pleasure…..
I have a long time girlfriend. We’ve been together for 3 weeks. She’s psycho because I go out with my boys and don’t answer my cell. Then she gets all bitchy when I come home at 3 in the morning and want to bone. This last weekend I met a girl at Taco Bell and we got it on in the back of my mom’s mini van. I don’t roll a mini. My car has been repossessed. Long story. I noticed some bumps on my junk, so I went to the free clinic and they told me I have “genital warts.” I don’t want to lose my girl but how can I hide this from her?
Dear Totally Fucked –
First and foremost, I want to applaud your lifestyle choices. In these tough economic times it is a breath of fresh air and an inspiration to see someone who would forgo the basic pleasures in life in order that others may simply exist. Driving your mom’s car and eating at Taco Bell may well be the beginning of the solution to our seemingly unquenchable greed. I would also suggest that you move back into your parent’s basement if you aren’t already living there.
As for the girlfriend problem: Wow! She really does sound like an overly jealous and possessive harpy. “Jealousy springs more from love of self than from love of another.” – François de la Rochefoucauld. So, if you really do reflect on your relationship and decide that you would still want to date this person, you have two reasonable options:
1) You could try to man up and let her know that you aren’t buying into her manipulation games. Tell her that she’s lucky to have you, and that she is totally selfish for wanting to keep you from hanging out with your bros and not wanting you to play hide-the-weenie with other women. I mean, hey, you have a lot of love to give.
2) If you are too afraid of her to exercise option number one, you need to turn the tables on her. Turn out the lights so she doesn’t see the horrible cauliflower clusters on your junk and scratch them up real good. Make sure they are bleeding a bit so you know you will give it to her. Then, after the proper incubation period, you can flip out and blame her for giving it to you. Contrary to popular belief, sharing a life-long venereal disease can actually make a relationship better. Plus, you have the added benefit of telling her that no other man would want to be with her anymore because she is now tainted. You can “forgive” her after the appropriate time has passed and she will feel so guilty that she will likely return to her proper submissive role.
Best of Luck!
Please send questions to me at firstname.lastname@example.org, and let me know which of the following crackpots you choose to be your moral Sherpa.
Mrs. Diagnosed: Has experience in sarcasm, being a bad-ass, criminal tendencies, man-eating, playing stupid, looking innocent, breaking up with cheating ex’s, dating like a man, drinking, annoying people on purpose, beauty pageants, panic attacks, crazy family members, being stalked by regular people, being stalked by the mob, drugs (prescription as well as recreational), home improvement, problems with authority, and all around tomfoolery.
Madam DD: A firm believer in “Do what I say and Not as I Do,” highly qualified in accepting all “Triple-Dog-Dares,” and is a firm believer in Karma. Well versed in dirty sex-talk, unhealthy relationships, and creative punishments. Has Mafia ties and has been Paternally Biologically Misled. Has no problem with getting into trouble and providing alibis for those in need. I have also been known to cause complete and total marital chaos. Talk to me…
Ms. Christina: Has experience with divorce, childrearing, sarcastic teenagers, fearless, accident-prone daughters. I also spend a lot of time with my 2-year old nephew and am tortured by Elmo and Sesame Street on a daily basis. I am currently planning their demise. I am a happy optimist but if you f*^k with me I will eat your soul. Currently living in Sin City but not currently sinning. *Christina is our positive affirmations expert.
Ron: Slightly deranged with narcissistic borderline personality disorder. The sole frightened male in a dwelling with four females. Former womanizer. Experience with all forms of substance abuse, psychotic ex-girlfriends, punk rock, Grateful Dead, philosophy, politics, anti-politics, deviant sexual behavior, fist fights, Disney, and outdoor recreation. I will not answer any questions having to do with clowns or so-called “little people” as they scare me senseless.
Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Send questions, comments, brownie recipes or random brainfarts to: email@example.com