The day I broke up with Barney
The beauty of small children is that they can watch the same thing over, and over, and over again. The curse of small children is that they can watch the same thing over, and over, and over again. My beautiful daughter being three is thankfully now in love with Spongebob Squarepants. However, there are times when she goes on a Barney binge and the only thing that can talk her down is the promise of chocolate milk and goldfish. To be honest, there only a few things in life that I find more frightening than a Barney marathon. They are as follows:
1) Flying cockroaches (yes, I have seen them and they are evil)
2) Going for a visit to my elderly neighbors’ house (once inside your chances of ever leaving are very, very slim)
4) The PTA
5) Large hair bows
6) Texas Cheerleaders and their mothers
7) The threat of a government-mandated tax increase on shoes.
Due to bad weather I was recently left alone in my home with Barney and my now brainwashed child singing about pumpernickel bread. With only my computer and Facebook friends to comfort me, this is the silliness that ensued.
MD: Barney, I don’t think it’s a good idea we see each other anymore. When we first started this thing I wanted our relationship to be a little more casual. But lately we have been seeing each other all day every day, and I’m feeling a bit smothered. Please, I don’t mean to hurt your feelings in any way. I want you to know, it’s not you. It’s me.
Ron: WOW! That is some cold shit! Breaking up with Barney with a public announcement like that! He was probably only using you for a front anyway…everyone knows that Barney is gay.
Mark: Now that you have broken up with Barney, I have a friend who would like to meet you. His name is Ernie and he is just coming out of a long relationship. It sounds like you would really hit it off.
Christina: Barney just called. He doesn’t love you, he loves me, we’re a happy family, with a great big FU and a kiss from him to you, won’t you get a life and piss off too! (Sorry, he’s very bitter right now. You were his first and only girlfriend.)
MD: Mark, I’m really shocked to hear Ernie is on the market. He and Bert were so close. I mean they even bathed together. I would LOVE to meet him. Especially considering my ex has already found another woman. Now I don’t have to worry about hurting his feelings.
Mark: Bert and Ernie have been separated for some time. They still make appearances together but it’s purely a working relationship. Apparently Bert has a dark side and was trying to have an “open” relationship. Now he spends most of his time with Tiger Woods. Whatever!
MD: Christina: I am so happy for you both and hope you really do find happiness.
Christina: Hey MD, does he always travel with Babybop and PJ? Cause this is all kinda creepy. And everything we talk about ends in a song. I was talking about my wardrobe today and we ended up singing ‘silly hat’. Now we are doing dishes and singing the ‘clean up’ song. I asked him to pass the towel and now he’s singing the ‘please and thank you’ song. I now see why you split!! Looks like it’s adios to Barney and his entourage.
MD: I wanted to tell you but I didn’t want to put a damper on your relationship. I know how great new relationships can be. I do think you’re making a wise choice here. Barney can be extremely immature. He only seems to be able to relate to children. Also, he totally lives in a fantasy world. Last time I brought up the point of him getting a job he insisted we go look for buried treasure. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out, but I really believe this is for the best.
Dawn: Why is there a purple dinosaur at my door?
Ron: This conversation can now be labeled “as over the top”.