Today’s topic will be the spouse. When I joined Facebook I went under my maiden name so my friends from the past could find me. Considering that I didn’t get married until I was 32 I had quite a few of them. My friend Shad had once asked me. “Why don’t you use your husband’s name? You should hyphenate it.” Good question. Maybe I SHOULD be using my husband’s name.

When my husband came home I was concerned that he would be offended that I didn’t use his last name, but he just didn’t want to tell me. Being the sensitive, caring person I am I asked him.
“Honey, does it bother you that I don’t use your last name on Facebook? Would you like me to change that?”

I’m a giver. I give. Here I am bending over backwards and taking his stupid name and how does he repay me? “Hello no, Stacy! I work in a sensitive field. I can’t in anyway be associated with you and your posts. I even took your name off my Facebook page so people wouldn’t know I was married to you.”

So there you have it. You will never hear me refer to my husband by name in my blog. But now what do I call him? Well my FB friends solved that problem for me.

MD: The spouse says from here on out he wants final say on anything I post about him. That includes his first name, hubby, husband, baby and all quotes. Yea….that’s not going to happen.

Scott: I think I just pissed myself! What the hell was he thinking? I guess he doesn’t know his own wife.

Cindy: We could come up with a codeword that represents him. Something he doesn’t know about…how about Poptart?

Christina: The spouse wanted me to let you know this post is in major violation of terms and he would like you to start boxing up your shoes now. You have at least 5 violations here just with the explanation alone. Yep, he’s gonna take all the shoes and all future trips to Target must cease! Sorry Stace. I’m just the messenger.

MD: NOOOOOOOO!!! Now I have nothing to live for. It’s taken me years to collect all those shoes! And my aunt just sent me a gift certificate to Target. Oh the horror!!! That’s it, the kid and I are currently on our way to Target to buy shovels. We are going to dig a hole in the backyard to hide the shoes.

Ron: Let the spouse know I’m going post at least one thing about him everyday. (Even though I’ve never met the guy.)

MD: I’m on it. As far as I’m concerned he brought this shit on himself. Censorship will not be tolerated!!!

Christina: Ok, but be warned Poptart took your picture to Target and your mugshot is posted at each register.

MD: Christina, I’ll just have to wear my Nancy Reagan mask. If it’s good enough to buy porn, it’s good enough for Target.

Ron: So that was YOU buying that massive amount of girl on girl midget porn! I knew the eyes were familiar under that mask!

MD: Yes Ron, that was me. When I see a sale I just have to go for it!

Scott: When is the viewing party?

So, to make a long story even longer, and to protect the innocent, my husband will now be referred to as… Poptart.

*This blog is in memory of Lee.


4 Responses to “Poptart”

  1. poor poptart…if only he had to opportunity to do whatever he wanted with his last name. as for me, i practice in the “sensitive field” under my maiden name. so i am on FB under my married name. so brilliant when the misogynistic tethers from the dark ages are able to be used to support anonymity and stalking behaviors on things such as FB. it’s like being a super hero! emily c. by day…manipulating and warping the minds of recalcitrant, oppositional children. mild-mannered emily b. by night…chugging red wine and watching porn on a 56″ tv while wearing penguin footie pajamas. poor broken chromosome poptart. he did it to himself. i have no sympathy. blog free my scarlet-haired sister…blog free!

  2. Lov’n every minuate of it MD! Cant wait to read more my friend!

  3. Ebon Talifarro Says:

    Hey, I’m Ebon Talifarro, my class (8th grade) wants to interview you, would you have time to answer a few questions?

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